The thing about desi parties

When audiences see movies and read books such as Little Women, or Pride and Prejudice they see an era of time long ago. Of girls awaiting courtship, of women in extravagant gowns whispering about the comings and goings of the local socialite. But for desis, such movies do not represent times long ago, for most of us it represents the here and now. At any given desi party one can find the carefully made up girl with the small gold set and strands of beads in her hair, standing nonchalantly hoping an auntie will take notice for her son, or better yet, hoping to catch the gaze of the son himself. Just like any Jane Austin novel you will find carefully made hairstyles, embroidered clothing with sequins and frills. You’ll find air kisses and smiles and whispering behind closed doors. This sort of atmosphere should objectively speaking be cherished because it is of a waning era and should be enjoyed while it exists.

I love many aspects of being desi. I love the gold jewelry and the colorful greens, reds, and yellow clothing, the henna decorated hands, the songs, the saris. I love the respect for elders, and the hospitality. But there is something about desi dinner parties, particularly those of my parents generation, that throw me off and leave me feeling a bit desolate. I try to hide it as well as I can because my parents love them, and love bringing us along if we are visiting. But inside, there is something that aches after parties such as these, a sort of emptiness. After thinking about it, I came up with a few reasons.

1. Gossip, gossip, gossip. I will not deny I have gossiped in my life. Its not something I’m proud of and since childhood I have tried abstaining from it. I do think there is a different between venting (i.e. expressing frustration because the situation affects you) and another to talk about someone else for the pure sake of taking apart their outfit, their demeanor or speculating about their life. I try to refrain from the former but I make it my personal mission to not engage in the latter. Does not the Quran say that gossiping is akin to biting the flesh off your dead brothers back? There is a reason why gossip is also referred to as backbiting. But desi parties are a caldourn of gossip. Almost every corner you turn, almost every voice you hear. She could be clad in hijab or wearing a sleeveless sari but you can hear the gossip. What is she wearing? Why is she talking to him? Did you hear they are having marriage problems? I see Auntie X hug Auntie Y and say how nice she looks and ten minutes later see Auntie X tell Auntie Z how bad Auntie Y’s outfit is. As I sit quietly taking it all in, I can’t help but feel the negativity overwhelming me.

2. Idle chit-chat. If being charming involves being able to stand at dinner parties and engage in mindless chit chat, I am decidedly as uncharming as they come. “How are you” “How is school” “No we don’t have kids yet” “Yes I know we should” Is your husband a doctor? It. gets. exhausting. Don’t get me wrong, I love hanging out, and meeting people. But sincerity is an essential component. A desire to have a meaningful conversation, not talk for the sake of chatter. Not talking simply to gather new information to run off and gossip about with others. After an hour of such chatter I feel as though my mouth is dry from the discourse and my soul slightly depleted from the exchange.

3. Tardiness. There is a saying called “Third World Standard Time” or “desi standard time” or “fashionably late” Essentially, if you are invited to a party at 7pm. No one, not even the hosts, will be ready at 7pm. 7pm translates to 9pm which translates to dinner served around 10-11pm. Which translates to Aisha whose mood is directly linked to food consumption or lack thereof (former: happy, latter: grumpy) growing decidedly of the latter mentality through and through.

4. The Fact that I am a particularly sensitive elephant. By which I mean I remember everything. If I heard the gossip that you began that involved me or a dear loved one, I can’t pretend I adore you to pieces. But that is a way of life at desi parties: X said Y about Z. Z and X still hug and air kiss like they are buddies though later they will gossip viciously about one another. I can’t do it. I am incapable. My mouth refuses to turn upwards to form the obligatory smile, my arms refuses to open in a gesture of embrace. Of course, if we talked about it and resolved the differences thats a different story.

5. The cliques. I can only imagine what it must be like to not be desi and have to try to find your place in desi society parties. As soon as you enter one the lines are drawn and the cliques are clearly outlined. Islam is about brotherhood and unity and togetherness but you’d be hard pressed to see these qualities at most desi parties. Instead a newcomer will stand at the sidelines attempting to strike conversation only to be rebuffed because the person they approached already has their own friends thank you very much and do not need another. And yes, I actually have heard someone actually say this to a girl who tried to reach out to someone at a party.

6. My time is valuable and I jealously guard it. If law school has taught me one thing it is that time is all that life consists of. No more, and no less. It should be spent with those who are sincere to me, and those I feel sincerity towards as well.

Subhanallah!

I agree with your article completely! Mashallah, Allah has given you the ability to hit the desi nail on the head.

I am personally caught between three worlds: Desi, British & Islamic.

Whenever the first two do not agree with the last one, they go out the window (or at least, that is the intention!). That is the only way to stay sane and stay safe.

I refuse to be a superficial ABCD (or BBCD as is my case). I’ll keep the good of both the Desi & British culture, but bin the bad.

What loyalty do we owe to such cultural practices that harms us and make a mockery of the human condition?

None what-so-ever.

P.S., i touched on this topic recently on my blog: Integration, Integration, Inte-freaking-gration.

It does not only happen at desi parties… it is a common occurance at any type of event I think.

thanks for the sharing with us!

asalaam alaikum warahmat Allah aisha, i am totally with you at that, but shaz is right- the gossip is everywhere..may Allah protect us from this sin cuz i think it’s probably one of Shaitan’s favorites..due to us falling for it too many times..may Allah forgive us..
mashaAllah great reminder..
jazakAllah kheir..

Salamaat,
I love it.

I was laughing the whole way through! Am not desi, but like shaz said I can relate to it perfectly. The exact dynamics are replicated in every community.

Ah, desi-ness!
Despite the fact that my family is originally from India, I don’t we can really be called Indians anymore… several generations of living in South Africa and, later, Canada, have erased almost all that is Indian about us - except for our masaalas and curries, of course, and certain lingering cultural practices…

I haven’t really grown up with my extended family much, just my grandparents and one of my aunts… my cousins I see only rarely, every few years, so we’re not very close at all. There’s the age difference (only one of them is remotely close to my age, and she’s in university; the others are all younger and very annoying), and then just the fact that we’re really different when it comes to our upbringing - they’re desi through and through, whereas my parents have raised my brothers and I upon Islam, with very little cultural stuff.
My brothers and I actually like to tease my dad about being in denial about his Indian heritage, lol - he truly dislikes almost everything Indian, except for his mother’s food!

Anyway, I’ve only ever been at one desi party… the wedding of some family friend’s son. Uff, talk about desi! The clothes, the glitter, the music… we felt totally out of place, with my mother and I in our black abaayas and hijaab, totally bare of makeup and glittering gold jewelry… we showed up late on purpose (no one noticed, or cared, since the only people there whom we knew was the groom’s mother and father), stayed the minimum three hours - enough to see the nikaah done and eat the first course of food - before we left on the pretext that my dad had a halaqah to give at the Masjid… which he did, only it wasn’t for several hours yet.
But yeah… that one experience was enough to turn me off of desi parties forever! From now on, the only desi events I’ll be attending are the ones I’ll be watching in Bollywood movies with my aunt…

This is brilliant. The cliques are what get me and the worst part is that we aren’t just talking about the teenagers. These are grown adults. My sister is unlucky enough to have friends who go to such extremes that it matters which friend you sit with at the dinner table as to where you fit in the hierarchy of the clique. These women are nearing 40.

Another thing that bugs about desi parties? Is that the men are always served first.

Salaam All,

Thanks for being able to relate. And yes those who pointed out this is not just a desi thing are correct. However my main encounters with this have been in the desi society circles.

I find it interesting that we all can relate… so are such things going to become relics of the past?

”Is that the men are always served first.”

At parties, and weddings, and funerals, and… all the time!

Is this just a desi thing, or does it happen in other cultures? Is it also a Muslim culture thing?

”so are such things going to become relics of the past?”

No, but the Muslimahs will eventually get fed up and will throw their own gossip-free parties. That’s my plan, inshallah!

not sure if the men first is desi or muslim… I asked my husband, who is desi and was hindu previously… so his story is that they would serve “snacks” first (which, consists of samosas, CHICKEN, shrimp, etc… in my opinion it’s a whole meal, but whatever!), then the men would have drinks, the women would hang out (sometimes eat first), they would serve the kids and then the adults would eat together. So maybe it is just a muslim thing… but also perhaps because we don’t drink, and I have never experienced the “snack” phenomenon ‘till dinner at my in-laws!

I remember the first time I had dinner at their house, I thought that the “snacks” was dinner, and I was completely stuffed by the time the actual dinner was served… like 10pm!!! what??? so confusing to me!!!

Personally for myself I find it easier for the men to eat first beause they (no offense if any men are reading) eat quite a bit. So I like for them to eat first so I can keep an eye on what is running low and needs to be refilled, et. Then when the women eat I can eat with the girls and sit down too… I always make it a point for women to eat dessert first because there is no need to make sure that its running low because there is always left overs of dessert. I dont know for me its easier as a host but maybe I could try it differently too