Walking Away From the Baby

Posted by Koonj.

This happened on a Friday, a month or two ago. I was too ashamed to post about it earlier.

My baby had been waking up every 3 hours during the night. That means a trek over to the nursery every time, nursing her, and then returning to sleep again.

In the morning, she woke up and started crying. About a couple of hours before she should have. I went over to feed her.

She was wide awake. I was horrified. She smiled. My eyes widened in horror. She babbled. I breathed a sigh.

I took her to bed and nursed her, trying to keep her still. Nope. Everything was fascinating to her. She squirmed and turned and crawled around the bed. I was bleary eyed. My head was heavy with sleep.

I can’t do this, I thought, I swear i can’t. I know I can’t. Not right now.

As she bounced off the walls, I yearned for bed. I wasn’t just tired. I was completely exhausted.
What shall I do?

She headed for the electrical outlets. She crawled quickly to furniture corners. I had to keep her safe, and I needed to get to sleep.

I hauled her back. I changed her diaper and she squirmed a hundred times. I gritted my teeth. I felt my temper rise. Not because I was angry with her but because there was a huge differential between the person she needed right then and the person I was.

She needed someone fresh, active and well-rested. I was pooped.

I snapped at her, “Will you STOP? Be STILL!”

And then I felt her soft limbs in my hands, as I tried to pin her down, and thought, “Please God, let her not get used to someone handle her roughly. Please God, let her not have memories of loved ones yelling at her, snarling at her.”

Deep inside, I remembered a hard slap descending on my sister and how it still hurts ME to this day. Me crying, “PLEASE DON’T, PLEASE STOP.” I remembered the belt hitting my brother and how I cried about it and didn’t even know the tears were coursing down my cheeks as he yelped and my mother ran to protect him. How a violent shout could make my heart leap to my throat. How a sharp voice still frightens me.

A parent, angry, venting his or her anger.

Never. Never. Not Raihana. Not even close.

As I struggled to keep her squirming body in check, I heard the hospital nurse’s voice in my head:

“Walk AWAY from the baby.”

The nurse had said, during a session for new mothers: “Babies can be incredibly tiring. If you feel like you cannot handle her, if you feel angry or frustrated, walk AWAY from the baby.”

Suddenly, I felt that I needed to walk AWAY from the baby.

I knew I would never hurt her. But the fact that my limbs did not have enough energy, that my heart did not have enough in it to be as gentle as a baby needs - struggled to the surface of my mind.

Shameful, isn’t it? I know, I hear the refrain of BAD MOTHER in my ears. What kind of mother are you? say the voices. Why don’t you have endless reserves of loving patience? Endless reserves of energetic desire to play with your playful infant?

If you don’t have children yet, be prepared for those moments when you MUST walk away.

What shall I do, what shall I do, the voices in my head responded.

Shall I call Svend? Tell him he needs to come and take the baby while I sleep? Then I remembered: Friday is his fullest day. Shall I call him ANYWAY and tell him to cut class and take the baby? I considered it. My conditioning refused to give in and ask for help. I am the mother after all. I am in charge. I’m supposed to be in charge.

Is there anyone I can call?

I’m not in DC anymore. I can’t call Aydan or my cousin or Maliha. I have some new friends. -But I can’t just call them in tears and beg them to take the baby for a couple of hours because I must sleep. How lame does that sound.

WALK AWAY FROM THE BABY.

I put the baby in her swing. I returned to bed, took the edge of it nearer the door, so I’d hear her if she cried.

I dozed immediately.

Then she cried. I emerged foggily from sleep, and dragged my tired limbs over. I unbuckled her and put her in the crib. I returned to bed, and dozed again.

That gave me another stretch of hazy sleep.

Then she cried again. She cried constantly. I tried to ignore her. She cried.

I went over and brought her to bed. Maybe I could get her to sleep. She had after all woken up earlier than her schedule. And leaving her alone in the swing and crib should have made her want to be nursed and cuddled again instead of playing actively. There is potential in a baby’s desire to be cuddled. She might sleep.

So I lay her down next to me and breastfed her. She could not focus on feeding.

So I held her, and whispered to her.

I don’t usually sing her to sleep, or rock her, or otherwise try to soothe her. I try to let her soothe herself. The only thing I do is nurse her to sleep. If she doesn’t allow that, I leave her to try to go to sleep on her own.

I broke my own rule. Because I needed that baby to SLEEP. To protect her from that voice in my head that said I NEED SLEEP AND ANYTHING THAT PREVENTS ME NEEDS TO SHUT UP.

I whispered to her:

“Baitee ko neend aiee hai? Baitee chup kar ke sojae. Jub sojaeygee to uth kar taza dum hojaygee. Phir thakee hui nahin hogi” (Is my daughter sleepy? She should be quiet and go to sleep. When she has slept she will be fresh when she wakes up and she won’t be tired.)

I whispered nonsense to her for a good few minutes. She lay quietly and listened. Then I got tired of that story and said, “Ammi buhut thaki hui hain. Ammi ko neend aiee hai” (Ammi is very tired. Ammi is very sleepy. Ammi needs to sleep. Ammi doesn’t want to be upset with her baby. If ammi can sleep for a little while longer, then we’ll be refreshed and happy).

I whispered for another few minutes.

She slept.

I drifted off to sleep.

We woke up, refreshed, an hour and a half later. It’s all I needed. Just a bit of sleep.

For those who are shocked by the above, I say: perhaps NO parent can claim to have never experienced such moments. When the only way they can handle the baby is by walking AWAY from the baby. Or having a safety net of someone else who can help them with it.

I don’t think Svend experiences those moments like I do. He can watch TV as she fusses. I can’t. In many ways, he can be much more thick-skinned. I cannot, because since she has lived inside me, and since she has been attached to my breast and attached to my every waking hour in the past 6 months, I’m unable to block her out. So he can be much more patient. My being much more tuned into her makes me that much more vulnerable to having my peace of mind shattered by her.

There are moments when you need to know that it is okay to walk away from the baby. Make sure s/he is safe, and walk away. You are in charge but you are also (probably) tired.

You are the adult, but you are also a human being.

Very good reminder to parents. I walked away many times, many, many times… You did the right thing.

Salaam dear Koonj,

A heartbreaking and beautiful testament to a mother’s desire to love and be the perfect parent and the contsant guilt over being human.

You absolutely did the right thing - I applaud your courage and honesty and deep, deep love.

Hugs,
Baraka

Salamaat,
awww… I wish you did hang out in DC a minute longer, so we could have been each other’s safety net.

That’s a really moving and powerful piece, and you are right, our reactions to baby’s cries are just so deep and instinctual…its hard to walk away and just close it off.

Alhamdullillah for it all…

I marvel at your honesty and depth.

Awe masha Allah sister, You are sooooooo hard on yourself. Delerium sux!!!

subhanAllah, those little ones understand more than we think they do. I’ve always wanted to read that ‘baby whisperer’ book. You’re definately not the only one in this issue. I have my bad days. Motherhood is so difficult sometimes. But the guilt eats you up.

Bismillaah

As Salaamu ‘alaykum sisters,

Even though i have no experience in this area, but, i felt for you sis. It is true that sometimes we do have to walk away from something especially when we felt if we stayed on, the outcome is not going to be a pretty picture. Thanks for the wonderful story and the exposure to the world of mummies!*hugs*

Sis Zabrina

Salams,

Thank you for writing that. I don’t have kids, I am not even married. But it was a brilliant insight into motherhood.
Thank you =)

—Nowal

I’ve done that with both my kids. I left Rayyan in his cot for more than an hour once because I couldn’t even stay awake to look at his face and I fell on the adjacent room’s floor and slept on the floor near the door!

Thank you, my dear sisters. I’m glad I was speaking to hearts that truly listen warmly. I was afraid of speaking - you know, social workers showing up or sumpn But the truth is, we all experience these moments and we have to know how to deal with them - often without relatives, babysitters, friends, - and for many women, without daddies. At least I know dh is coming home; many women don’t even have that.

I remember one of the classes I took when I was expecting my first one. The nurse clearly said “walk away,yes, you can!”. We all are humans afterall. Super mummies are nothing but a myth and some women just don’t get it. Alhamdullilah, they grow up and some of us go back and have one more . I need to catch up with almost a full year’s sleep!

As-salaamu ‘alaikum wa rahmatullaahi wa barakaatu,

Ooooh… subhan’Allah… motherhood sounds scary! :O
Heehee… I remember my mom being like that with my youngest brother (he’s the only one I have memories of as a baby, ‘cuz the other two are closer to me in age although I’m the oldest)... subhan’Allah, I don’t think I could ever have that type of patience - just trying to teach the little kids at our Madrasah here drives me nuts!

Take care, insha’Allah… hang in there!

Shabana that was powerful. I could feel your emotions and I could feel your conflict so clearly. I’m not a mother but I fear these moments. I’ve seen my friends overwhelmed with their children to the point they do not know what to do. It scares me. I was a teacher for young children and sometimes I too had to “walk away” (they probably loved it because m y walking away was going for a quick recess break to let them run and me take a breather). Ofcourse being a parent they are with you all the time. Its my biggest fear of motherhood.

Oh my sister, subhanallah!  This piece took me back to a number of instances such as yours.  I am a mum of five, so I clearly relate to your experience.  Please know that surely as Allah gives us the innate gift of mothering our children, he also gives us the coping mechanisms; hence, your own lesson on how to get through that moment with your precious one.  My hijab is off to you for your patience and discovery of the gentle strength that comes with the blessed role of motherhood.

Salaams,