Talking ‘bout the birds and the bees
Last night, I went to a bridal shower for a very sweet and kind Muslim sister. The event showed the typical blending of American culture and Islamic sensibilities. Of course bridal gifts were given. We laughed and dined on some great home cooked food. We also danced and wished the bride to be all the best in her future marriage.
All of the married sisters schooled her on the ups and downs of marriage and how to handle those spats that often occur between a man and a wife. She was also given advice on sexual matters and sexual health. It’s funny but with all that I’ve been exposed to as an American living in a sex obsessed culture, I found myself blushing when these matters were discussed. I don’t know if it was Puritan hypocrisy or haya but I had to remind myself that those married sisters were doing their Islamic duty. They were educating her in all matters of the deen and, of course, that includes sex. In fact, if you research sex and Islamic education on the web, this hadith is often cited.
“Blessed are the women of the Ansar. Shyness did not stand in their way seeking knowledge about their religion.”
I have talked to some sisters about these sensitive matters. And some, unfortunately, stated that their parents never talked to them about sex. While I can understand a parent’s unwillingness to even think their son or daughter is interested in “those things,” the fact remains that everyone is born with this God-given urge. Even though Islam teaches that sex is good for mental, physical and spiritual well being, there are still many Muslims who view sex as a dirty thing. Once again, we must blame age-old cultural traditions and lack of Islamic knowledge.
There are some who would lay the blame at the feet of Muslim scholars. But for centuries, Muslim scholars, male and female, have been giving fatawas and writing manuals on sexual health. As far back as the late 1700s, scholars had educated Muslims on proper sexual conduct and they made the distinction between what was Islamic and what was cultural. Shaykh Uthman dan Fodio, the Nigerian mujahid and leader of the Sokoto caliphate, had this opinion about female circumcision.
This practice was in the Sudan and Somalia and was going across to his country and he stopped people from doing it. He brought the hadith of the Prophet (God bless him) showing that only a little bit was allowed to be removed from the tip of the clitoris, but was by no means necessary as it wasn’t really part of Islam. His argument against it, once again went into graphic details of how if men allowed this to happen then a woman would not be able to achieve her climax in a physical relationship, which would then cause their relationship to deteriorate. To have a more fulfilling relationship, they should allow her to retain what Allah gave her. This obviously was a heavy argument for the Sheikh to be making, especially in the 18th century!
So here we are in 2007, and still making the same mistakes about a subject which is a crucial part of our religion. Alhamdulillah, there are sisters, who like the Ansar women, aren’t afraid to confront the very thing that facilitates our human existance. But we collectively, as an umma, need to start educating our sons and daughters about sex. Many societies are filled with pornographic material and sexually explicit films and songs. We can’t send our children out into the world knowing these things exist, and then get upset when our children come to us for an honest answers about sex.
The level of ignorance is so deep that it prevents men women from seeking religious and medical advice out of a fear of offending cultural norms. And worse, men and women are in danger of being victims of sexual abuse. The undeserved shame of the victims leads to their silence and often times, sexual crimes are left unaddressed and swept under the rug. For any parents out there reading this, please, don’t be hesistant to talk to your kids. It’s better if they learn the truth about the birds and the bees from you. Of course, whenever possible, mothers should talk with daughters and fathers with their sons. Talk to them and educate them in the way that the Prophet (may peace and blessings be upon him) would. Be honest, sincere and understanding of your child and the world that they live in. Sticking our heads in the sand will not make the reality of our pornographic culture go away. The only way that your child can make intelligent decisions about their lives is through knowledge.
For those of you who are still wondering if this subject matter is inappropriate, please take a gander at these articles.
12 Tips For Parents: Talking To Your Kids About Sex
Sex Education Acceptable In Islam
