Reflections of a tired soul

Listening to my almost 3 year old asking me to play ‘hide & go boo” with him for what seems like the 100th time in 5 minutes, and, after having just finished half an hour worth of the game with both him and his 1 year old brother, was just the thing to almost cause me to completely unravel after an extremely difficult week!

I am one of those people that really love their job, and not only love, but for a few years I was defined by my work, it was who I was, what I was. I wanted to know everything there was to know, learn everything there was to learn, I was ambitious, yearning to reach the top (what ever that meant…)

Almost exactly 5 years ago, when that stick turned blue, my life took on a whole different meaning, a new direction… no longer was I spending every moment worrying about codes, project plans, and timelines; instead every thought was about this creature that I was blessed with.

I can remember precious few details about my life during that first pregnancy; my memories are limited to throwing up, eating crackers, and throwing up some more! But I know that my passion for my work died. I still loved it, and still wanted to work, but the desire to be the best was gone. I know that the change in me was not only because of the baby, it was also because I grew in my faith and love for God around the same time, so my priorities changed, but still, something about being a mother made me suddenly have different goals.

Last week I had one of the most exhausting, challenging, and stressful weeks I have had in years, I felt like I was working non-stop, like I would not meet my deadlines, my eyes were constantly burning, and the guilt of not being able to give my kids more attention was eating away at my soul… But, a part of me was exhilarated! I felt like I had some of that passion back, like I was useful again, like I was needed for more than just dinner!

I loved rushing off to the copy shop to get a catalogue printed for my client, I loved that there was a courier coming to pick it up, and I loved telling the printing people that I was really in a rush! I cannot explain why the feeling of racing home in the minivan, praying that I did not miss the courier (also praying that I don’t get a speeding ticket), was so euphoric, but it was! Of course, when my client called and said that the printed words were too small and needed to be re-done for Saturday morning, the lovely high left me, but I digress…

I am now so torn, so completely confused about life, about who I am and what I am, about what my priorities are. It is obvious that my children should come first, but lately I am starting to doubt my abilities as a successful mother. Is ‘WHAM-ing’ (mother working from home) really possible? I am doubting that I can be a good mother and a good business woman.

There are things that I still love about working, I love doing blogs especially, they are so wonderfully personal, I love getting clients’ ideas and then seeing it become a reality, it is a lovely feeling for me, and something that I would not like to give up.

However, my significantly higher-paying contract position that I recently obtained from my previous employer is totally draining me. I do it only for the financial benefit and have no joy in it, which I have found makes me feel like I am drowning, constantly struggling to stay afloat. It is a job I can do with my eyes closed (metaphorically speaking, of course), but the connection delays, lack of proper support tools, and somewhat confusion from not seeing the whole picture is causing me increased stress and anxiety.

My ideal would be to work only for my enjoyment, and not for money, because the money part is making my shoulders tense, my eyes lose focus, my stomach feel like it is constantly turning over!

I would love to spend my time with my kids and give them 100% of my attention, if only I was not so tired and impatient. I would love to have more inspiring and clever thoughts, if only my head didn’t feel like it was already bursting from too many thoughts. I would love to be working fulltime again, if only it was not so demanding. I would love to do only the things I love; if only I know what they were ... I guess this is the paradox of motherhood.

Bismillaah

As Salaamu ‘alaykum and Peace to all,

You had me smiling all over when i read this story sis. Although i couldn’t totally understand the demand of motherhood (for obvious reason!) but i could appreciate what you felt. I had friends going cuckoo over this exact demand/choice. Work vs Stay home - but than, thats work too, right? Non-paying that is, except maybe the hugs your kids give you at the end of the day!   

For me, right now, I had a dilemma over career choice. One end, my old company called to ask for me with better perks and salary; and on the other hand, my passion as a writer and my upcoming book aka work from home . Who would win in the end? I am not sure. Got to finish off the book first to be sure!

Very nice story! I loved it..

Sis Zabrina

Salamaat,
You read my mind sweety, I was going to write about this issue and especially with number 2 coming along…

I can relate to the struggle, I don’t really have anything to tell you advice wise, but I think the pressure we put on ourselves to do it all is really insane. I think it’s only fair that if you are working, then maybe hiring someone part time to help with the cleaning and the drudge work around the house will help?

I know its expensive, and might completely kill the additional benefit (money wise of working) but I just don’t know.

once i sort my thoughts on this, I will write something..but thanks for bringing it up, it is less isolating to know other people are going through the same thing.

Salaam,
Just finish writing my post on reasons why I love being a stay at home mom on my blog, went to NISAA and found your piece,what a coincidence beautifully writen..love it:)

I’ve been going through some similar feelings.  It is really hard.  I feel pulled in two different directions.

Oh sweetie….
I think the telus thing killed you.

Isn’t if funny that when we become mom’s we figure we have fulfilled our prerogative…we are full of wondrous feelings for this new role we have.

Then that starts to fade and we find we want something else to identify us…..(I think that is why we all blog too!).

The need for fulfilling work totally clashes with the worry about MONEY.

That doesn’t help either.

You have a vacation coming right?
Time to rethink and recharge

ah Sis Zabrina, salaams, the conflict between the steady job and paycheque or following your true passion, which often has little to no pay (initially, anyways)... I know what you feel! I would say, follow your passions while you can!

Maliha, I totally look forward to your post on the subject, your writing is so wonderful, mashAllah.

Um Ibrahim, I love your reasons for loving being at home… you queen, you!

Surviving… ahhh, we are often in the same boat my friend. This morning, I just forgot about the work, took my kids down, tried to give them my full attention (and they were so happy because of it), now that they are napping I am going to get my work done, or as much as I can. I just decided I can only do as much as I can do. I’ve probably been less productive by stressing over trying to do everything for everyone!

And my friend Crunchy! I have you to thank for my change in attitude. thanks! This morning was much better with the kids. They don’t need much, just food and attention And, although I am still feeling the exhaustion, I think I am starting to step back and re-think what I am doing.

Ah! The story of every mother’s life which no mother could have penned so beautifully.

Beautifully emotional post. You sons, I predict, will one day be extremely proud of you Inshallah!

Salams, dear i hope you can get a break this week. You’ve been doing so much all at once, and this post as well, may Allah reward you and give you strength.

As for the SAHM vs working outside home vs working from home - they all have their advantages and disadvantages and none are perfect or guilt-free. But i imagine something that’s part time, whether from home or not, is the best solution if you have a choice. Something that just takes a few hours from the day or half a day. It’s just enough to put a routine to the day, give you something different to do than house stuff/baby stuff, and not feel guilty about not being with the kids enough.

For some reason us women feel the need to try to do ‘everything’ - superwoman. Then we end up burnt sooner or later. So just write down everything and prioritize. Make the right intention. Do your best and leave the rest to Allah.

Oh, I hear you, girl.

And the truth is, who knows, when we are ready to go back to work, if the job market will forgive us for taking time “off.” It’s a struggle, and especially when the babies are young, it’s wrenching. At the same time, as women with the love of work and the adrenaline of creative juices, how can we neglect that part of us?

aww, thanks suroor , inshallah

ameen Mona, thanks for your wise words. I am trying to figure out what I need to do, inshaallah I think things will settle once I get into a routine that works, and start being more realistic with my workload and timelines.

Koonj! I know you understand it
You are so right, even if I did not need the money I would still have to do something! It would be extremely difficult for me to be ‘just mom’ I think. :(

It’s great that you can work from home. I’m a full time working mother . I would love to quit my current job and do my part time job only. If I can do that I can work when my children is at school and be with them when they came home from school.
However for the same reason as you all - financial, I’ve to postponed the decision.

welcome Azlifa, you know I do love being able to work from home, it is really a wonderful opportunity, but I am finding that I am losing my balance… It is difficult to really stop working.. and difficult to put it out of my mind when I am spending time with the kids. And also, I have noticed that I don’t do anything else besides work lately. In all honesty I watch 1 tv show, prison break, and that’s it for ‘down-time’!