Over sexualized Muslim men syndrome
She tugged at her hijab, a nervous habit, opened her mouth and closed it several times as she walked the long hallway. He was coming straight at her, there was no quick exits that would have swerved the inevitable. She pulled her chin up, right as he glued his eyes to the floor. She half murmured “Assalamu Alaykum” when they came up to each other. He ignored her Salaam (or more precisely responded in his heart in the modest manner he thought was appropriate); she walked away incensed wondering why she even bothers every single time.
What trips her out, is the fact that this same brother would have no problems talking and interacting with Non Muslim girls (women); and these awkward dynamics never came up when she dealt with her Non Muslim colleagues.
The injunction to wear Hijab and dress modestly, should ideally free a Muslim woman to be able to interact and work with her Muslim brothers (presumably to accomplish the greater goals in life in serving God and His creation). But there is a stiltedness that creeps into our relationships that doesn’t allow for anything meaningful to be nurtured so that we can be “supporters for one another, enjoining what is good and beneficial and forbidding what is unjust and odious.” I noticed this particular tendency to occur mostly between self proclaimed practicing Muslim men and women (in *some* MSA and Mosque settings).
We have a general distrust of our own natures that translates into the way we interact with each other. It might be the manner in which we nurture out kids, who from a young age might go to Public schools interact with boys and girls in normal a-sexual contexts; yet go to Sunday school and are immediately segregated, which is really a cop-out. Instead of training these young men and women in the ethics of gender relations and instilling discipline that would allow them to learn the limits of modesty; we are quite content to set up artificial barriers that aren’t mimicked anywhere else in society.
From a young age, kids learn to develop a cognitive dissonance, Islam and Muslim relations are to be relegated to the corners of the Masjid; I have one set of behavior for the public and another for the little niche we have carved out for our religion. In essence we are telling our children that their Islam doesn’t impact the real world.
You might think this is a tad unfair or that I am pushing for a non segregated- Fitna-filled type of environment. I think the key to achieving any type of balance has to come from unlocking our minds from the black and white tendency of either/or. If little boys and girls are trained to be able to work together on group projects and have normalized relationships within the boundaries of the religion than we will never have men and women filled with blameworthy modesty that leads them to have double standards.
Most men and women in the west work, go to school and live quite comfortably having work mates, fellow students, doctors etc that are not Muslim and are of the opposite gender. If I can walk into a meeting at work, sit at a table full of Non Muslim men, be able to exchange ideas and build projects from the ground up, why can’t I do the same, with such relative ease with my Muslim brothers? Why must we maintain these facades of fake modesty, to the point that we are incoherent around each other or we refuse adamantly to meet each other’s eyes (having no problem doing so with other people?)
This inconsistency maybe more apparent in the West, where we have clean lines divided between the rest of the society and our Muslim communities. It bugs me, because technically we shouldn’t have those fake boundaries and my actions at all times should be consistent with each other.
Just the other day, my husband and I stopped at a local Masjid to pray. The brother’s entrance was conveniently perched at the door of the building. There were no signs or instructions for the Sister’s entrance. As my husband happily walked in with our little baby, I asked a random brother where the sister’s entrance
was. His eyes refusing to meet mine, he mumbled something about going to the side of the building. I walked around the whole building, which is huge by the way, and came full circle in the cold, trying every securely locked door along the way. I couldn’t find the sister’s side. I asked a lady outside and she mentioned key information that the brother was either too shy or too hurried to impart, I had to go past a little store to get to the sister’s area. By that time, my husband had finished praying and was happily wondering why I was fuming outside, with frozen cheeks still having not prayed.
There is another key indoctrination that we nurture our little boys with (which plays a key role in our relationships); the over sexualized male syndrome. We are brought up understanding that men have sexual needs that are far too powerful and uncontrollable than women. This otherwise natural instinct implanted in everyone, is given undue attention and stroked to magnified proportions in men.
Every explanation given by a well meaning scholar, when it comes to translating Islamic injunctions, is related to the men’s sexual prowess. Women have to wear Hijab to avoid sexually tempting the man (which is only a partial truth. Self respect, dignity, liberating our minds/souls from our physical bodies, have a lot to do with it too).
Justifications on polygamy of course also hinge on a man’s “needs.” If the husband is traveling on business and will be away every other weekend or so; then of course another wife becomes a necessity. If his wife is sick and needs to be taken care of, then his “needs” have to be fulfilled in a “halal” way of course. If he has saddled his wife with seven or eight kids and she is too worn out to “please” him at the end of the day, then by all means another charming, childless wife would have to do.
I think our overemphasis on the sexual nature of men is to the detriment of their own spiritual growth and health. Man who can rise higher than Angels by his conduct and self discipline, becomes a mere groveling animal who can’t get beyond his “package.” Throughout time, all the prophets, Mystics, Saints, knew that the key to gaining self mastery is to discipline the body’s natural cravings for a higher purpose. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) used to go to cave hira for up to a month, carrying only his necessary provisions, to spend time cultivating that higher self away from the humdrum needs of ordinary people.
Al Ghazali wrote a powerful chapter on “Breaking the Two Desires” dealing precisely with too much food/satiation and sexual gratification. The two in moderation are necessary for a healthy balanced life, but in excess become our masters; riding us into self oblivion.
We are quick to point the West and its sexual perversions starting from porn, to child molestations, to S &M, to God knows what else. But we are less attuned to the monsters we are creating in our own backyards.
Segregation and avoidance of the “fitna” is not the answer. Saudi culture is prime example of what repression and the emphasis on getting rid of the “outward” temptations result in. Every woman who has set foot on what should be the “sacred” lands have plenty of stories on the wanton lack of control the men have. It’s like no one ever told them they have a choice to become something more, and that relationships with women could actually maintain a respectful distance that is both ethical and beautiful leading to a healthy and balanced world.
Most of the Muslim communities in the west are very young. And even as I speak, I am aware of many Islamic centers that encourage women participation and healthy dialogue within its walls. But we still have a long way to go.
As mothers we have a choice on what lessons we will impart on our young children’s impressionable minds. There is a distinct fork in the road; we can either keep treading the path that we are currently on, projecting our fears, ignorance and inconsistencies distorting their beautiful minds. Or we can forge a new path, one filled with wisdom and focused on nurturing their own innocence and inclination for doing the right thing.
May we all be guided to what is true, ethical and beneficial to all of us (amin).
