Over sexualized Muslim men syndrome

She tugged at her hijab, a nervous habit, opened her mouth and closed it several times as she walked the long hallway. He was coming straight at her, there was no quick exits that would have swerved the inevitable. She pulled her chin up, right as he glued his eyes to the floor. She half murmured “Assalamu Alaykum” when they came up to each other. He ignored her Salaam (or more precisely responded in his heart in the modest manner he thought was appropriate); she walked away incensed wondering why she even bothers every single time.

What trips her out, is the fact that this same brother would have no problems talking and interacting with Non Muslim girls (women); and these awkward dynamics never came up when she dealt with her Non Muslim colleagues.

The injunction to wear Hijab and dress modestly, should ideally free a Muslim woman to be able to interact and work with her Muslim brothers (presumably to accomplish the greater goals in life in serving God and His creation). But there is a stiltedness that creeps into our relationships that doesn’t allow for anything meaningful to be nurtured so that we can be “supporters for one another, enjoining what is good and beneficial and forbidding what is unjust and odious.” I noticed this particular tendency to occur mostly between self proclaimed practicing Muslim men and women (in *some* MSA and Mosque settings).

We have a general distrust of our own natures that translates into the way we interact with each other. It might be the manner in which we nurture out kids, who from a young age might go to Public schools interact with boys and girls in normal a-sexual contexts; yet go to Sunday school and are immediately segregated, which is really a cop-out. Instead of training these young men and women in the ethics of gender relations and instilling discipline that would allow them to learn the limits of modesty; we are quite content to set up artificial barriers that aren’t mimicked anywhere else in society.

From a young age, kids learn to develop a cognitive dissonance, Islam and Muslim relations are to be relegated to the corners of the Masjid; I have one set of behavior for the public and another for the little niche we have carved out for our religion. In essence we are telling our children that their Islam doesn’t impact the real world.

You might think this is a tad unfair or that I am pushing for a non segregated- Fitna-filled type of environment. I think the key to achieving any type of balance has to come from unlocking our minds from the black and white tendency of either/or. If little boys and girls are trained to be able to work together on group projects and have normalized relationships within the boundaries of the religion than we will never have men and women filled with blameworthy modesty that leads them to have double standards.

Most men and women in the west work, go to school and live quite comfortably having work mates, fellow students, doctors etc that are not Muslim and are of the opposite gender. If I can walk into a meeting at work, sit at a table full of Non Muslim men, be able to exchange ideas and build projects from the ground up, why can’t I do the same, with such relative ease with my Muslim brothers? Why must we maintain these facades of fake modesty, to the point that we are incoherent around each other or we refuse adamantly to meet each other’s eyes (having no problem doing so with other people?)

This inconsistency maybe more apparent in the West, where we have clean lines divided between the rest of the society and our Muslim communities. It bugs me, because technically we shouldn’t have those fake boundaries and my actions at all times should be consistent with each other.

Just the other day, my husband and I stopped at a local Masjid to pray. The brother’s entrance was conveniently perched at the door of the building. There were no signs or instructions for the Sister’s entrance. As my husband happily walked in with our little baby, I asked a random brother where the sister’s entrance
was. His eyes refusing to meet mine, he mumbled something about going to the side of the building. I walked around the whole building, which is huge by the way, and came full circle in the cold, trying every securely locked door along the way. I couldn’t find the sister’s side. I asked a lady outside and she mentioned key information that the brother was either too shy or too hurried to impart, I had to go past a little store to get to the sister’s area. By that time, my husband had finished praying and was happily wondering why I was fuming outside, with frozen cheeks still having not prayed.

There is another key indoctrination that we nurture our little boys with (which plays a key role in our relationships); the over sexualized male syndrome. We are brought up understanding that men have sexual needs that are far too powerful and uncontrollable than women. This otherwise natural instinct implanted in everyone, is given undue attention and stroked to magnified proportions in men.
Every explanation given by a well meaning scholar, when it comes to translating Islamic injunctions, is related to the men’s sexual prowess. Women have to wear Hijab to avoid sexually tempting the man (which is only a partial truth. Self respect, dignity, liberating our minds/souls from our physical bodies, have a lot to do with it too).

Justifications on polygamy of course also hinge on a man’s “needs.” If the husband is traveling on business and will be away every other weekend or so; then of course another wife becomes a necessity. If his wife is sick and needs to be taken care of, then his “needs” have to be fulfilled in a “halal” way of course. If he has saddled his wife with seven or eight kids and she is too worn out to “please” him at the end of the day, then by all means another charming, childless wife would have to do.

I think our overemphasis on the sexual nature of men is to the detriment of their own spiritual growth and health. Man who can rise higher than Angels by his conduct and self discipline, becomes a mere groveling animal who can’t get beyond his “package.” Throughout time, all the prophets, Mystics, Saints, knew that the key to gaining self mastery is to discipline the body’s natural cravings for a higher purpose. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) used to go to cave hira for up to a month, carrying only his necessary provisions, to spend time cultivating that higher self away from the humdrum needs of ordinary people.

Al Ghazali wrote a powerful chapter on “Breaking the Two Desires” dealing precisely with too much food/satiation and sexual gratification. The two in moderation are necessary for a healthy balanced life, but in excess become our masters; riding us into self oblivion.

We are quick to point the West and its sexual perversions starting from porn, to child molestations, to S &M, to God knows what else. But we are less attuned to the monsters we are creating in our own backyards.

Segregation and avoidance of the “fitna” is not the answer. Saudi culture is prime example of what repression and the emphasis on getting rid of the “outward” temptations result in. Every woman who has set foot on what should be the “sacred” lands have plenty of stories on the wanton lack of control the men have. It’s like no one ever told them they have a choice to become something more, and that relationships with women could actually maintain a respectful distance that is both ethical and beautiful leading to a healthy and balanced world.

Most of the Muslim communities in the west are very young. And even as I speak, I am aware of many Islamic centers that encourage women participation and healthy dialogue within its walls. But we still have a long way to go.

As mothers we have a choice on what lessons we will impart on our young children’s impressionable minds. There is a distinct fork in the road; we can either keep treading the path that we are currently on, projecting our fears, ignorance and inconsistencies distorting their beautiful minds. Or we can forge a new path, one filled with wisdom and focused on nurturing their own innocence and inclination for doing the right thing.

May we all be guided to what is true, ethical and beneficial to all of us (amin).

what Maliha said!

ameen.

altho i was rasied in a muslim family, i only noticed this when I came to live in canada, and it kinda freaks me out… like you really never know what to say! now, I just ignore them… there are even some women that would ignore my salaams when they are with their husband!??

you would think that the prophet (saw) never spoke to women!

This happens to me everyday. Our neighbour somehow comes from and goes to work around my times and he NEVER responds to my salaam. In teh beginning I used to feel naked around him the way he behaved. Now I ignore him too but it is so awkward. To him I don’t exist. When the kids are with me he doesn’t even talk to them. When they are with my husband he chats!

Very good article Maliha!

Lots of love my dear sister!

Excellent article - I could relate to so much of it.

Maliha, this was excellent. I agree with everything you said 100%.

Salam Maliha,
Thanks for bringing this subject into the public dialogue, I hadn’t considered the Sunday school segration factors and what it does to the psyche of children.  Great article!

Nice article. Since I will probably be the only male commenter here, I’ll speak for all men. I agree that it is wrong to think that men’s libidos are stronger than women’s. Both are strong. However, women have a greater power of seduction, which is why there are so many female prostitutes around but so few male prostitutes, and which is also why the Qur’anic injunction to “lower the gaze” comes FIRST for men and THEN for women. Lowering the gaze, however, is more difficult than it would seem for us overly sexualized men. This is especially true if the woman is young and beautiful. The unfortunate thing is that even if she is hijab-clad, she still remains young and beautiful. So when we talk to her, we are not sure whether to keep looking at the ground and risk looking stupid or to lock our eyes with her and risk losing all goodness.

This is a subject that bothers me as well.  There is an Islamic school close to us.  I was around some people that taught at the school a few months ago.  They were discussing some changes.  The school is currently enlarging the building.  Once this is completed the older boys and girls will not only be in separate areas in the building but their class schedules will be rearranged so that they won’t even see each other in the halls.  I just don’t think that is the right way to handle things.  I think some of it gives men an excuse not to take responsibility for themselves. 

I stayed in Yemen for several months with my in-laws.  When I would go to the market with one of my sister in laws I was surprised by some of the mens behavior.  Some of them would knock into you like you weren’t even there, requiring you to dodge them or some of them would watch the women from behind, dressed all in large black abayas and niqab, drooling the whole time.

I think there is a big difference between “lowering your gaze” and simply ignoring someone.  I also think muslim men should treat all women, muslim and nonmuslim, equally.  If you can speak to and acknowledge nonmuslm women and then is no reason why you can’t do the same with muslim women.

nietzsche said it best- those who require a “radical expedient” a “chasm between them and a passion” justifies some kind of conjecture on those who are excessive in this respect.

they are usually those pitted in a struggle against a desire who are too weak-willed, too degenerate to impose moderation upon it. the greater the “chasm”- (sometimes even the radical purdah- where men and women inhabit separate but parallel universes) reflect this degeneracy.
anyone who has travelled to high-purdah societies- can note how the “greater the chasm”- the greater seems to be the lecherousness and harassment your sack like outline attracts.

“it is only as the degenerate who cannot do without radical expedients; weakness of will, more precisely the inability not to react to a stimulus.”

can we really have such a low opinion of our “animal” selves?

this kind of thinking makes slaves of us all- man to the perpetual allure of women, and women trapped forever within her limited world proscribed by the male gaze.

Salaams my dear and wonderful sisters!,

I think it works both ways, there are sisters out there who do not return the salam. When I see a sister I do feel that maybe a salaam or a friendly nod would do wonders. However, this is a dream and sisters need to realise that a brother who does the salam does not mean he wants to get more intimate with her!

I have many friends who are sisters and yes you maintain a professional relationship and are honest about your own family, i.e. I say that I am married and with two kids and I’m not looking for a second wife. Not now, or never. I am very interested in sisters and brothers in a professional capacity and more than happy to engage in a conversation or even meet them for lunch. Yes this may seem a bit out of the norm but plz take the sexuality out and life becomes easier. Not everyone man thinks about this topic every couple of seconds, however, I do admit men do become slightly strange or cooey when a woman gives them too much attention.

As for my sisters words on Polygamy I don’t agree, don’t women have needs? I think the article has a bias and not every man ‘saddles’ his wife with seven kids. If he is too thick to do that and then go out window shopping for other women then shame on him for losing out on one of the greatest treasure that Allah bestowed us all, love.

Ws,

And it’s Hanif and not Hanifa!

good points Hanif and not Hanifa!

I think sometimes it may be a case of the muslim man not knowing how to react to the sister, or how the sister would react to his salaams. Maybe he is sincerly trying not to offend her by looking up to greet her… maybe…

Since I was not brought up like this, to me it is somewhat of an odd occurance, and I feel it has much to do with culture and less to do with religion. 

In the words of Surviving “I think there is a big difference between ‘lowering your gaze’ and simply ignoring someone.”

So, so true! I mean, sometimes the woman might be so beautiful that even I would have a hard time restraining my glances… but come on… if its someone that looks like me, with 3 kids in tow, wearing what appears to be a really ugly abaya, I think you’re safe!

This happened to me a few times when i was in college. I think it’s the younger guys that have this problem with acknowledging Muslim women. Perhaps it’s their hormones and guilt about looking at non-Muslim women so they don’t want to do the same to a Muslim woman. Even if they are too afraid to make eye contact, they should atleast say salam and return salams.

But other than that, i feel that the majority of Muslim men do give salams to Muslim women. Wherever i go i feel that they are happy to see me and they recognize me from my hijab. However, there is a case when your are in a mall or shopping area and you don’t get acknowledged by either Muslim men or women, and i think that’s just a case of people being distracted & rushed. I myself try my best to give salams to any Muslim woman i see. But i need to look up and make eye contact to do that. If you keep walking by and don’t look at them, then you are not going to know if they are saying something or looking at you or not.

Salamaat,
Thank you all for responding, I have been following your remarks with interest.

Shaz: you are right it seems like US/canada have a different gender interplay than other cultures.

Suroor: It’s really more awkward not to salaam each other than to just do it…

Maleeha: Thanks for your comment.

Laila: As long we are consistent then I think it’s okay…it’s inconsistencies that breed these types of issues.

Surviving: your husband’s family is from yemen? which part? It’s really sad, maybe the underlying issue is just lack of adab?

Shahrazade: Thanks for your thoughtful comment and agreed; we are all trapped in one way or another.

Hanif: no offense/bias meant against males in this article; it does go both ways. And for the polygamy, I have heard those excuses being offered by women themselves; so it’s not like I am just making it up.

Salamaat,
Fayyaz: But does that awkwardness only occur around hijabis? Or are you awkward around All young women regardless of religion? Again, i just think we need to be consistent in our behaviors and norms; to refrain from adapting one set of “modesty” to a group and another for another group…does that make sense?

Salamaat,
Mona; we were both commenting at the same time!
“Perhaps it’s their hormones and guilt about looking at non-Muslim women so they don’t want to do the same to a Muslim woman.”

Maybe that’s another dynamic…

Salaams all!

In the hospital where i work (in London), the brothers and sisters very rarely-to-never, say salaam when they bump into one another at the bottom of the prayer room stairs. Outside of the prayer room area, the relationship is more “casual”. I don’t know many brothers on site. The only one i did know well was the husband of my work friend, who also studies on campus. So if i saw him around the prayer room, or elsewhere i would say salaams, and he would always reply, with a smile included, mashallah. He is an Italian revert brother though, whereas the majority of the brothers on site are various varieties of Arab. So perhaps the culture comment is fitting.

I, myself, am not offended by the lack of salaam. As long as the sisters say it back, which they do 99% of the time, mashallah. The other 1% probably didn’t hear me, as i can mumble my salaams sometimes!

I remember a family wedding i attended last summer. The family concerned belongs to the first cousin of my father. However, due to a (typical) family row etc, we hadn’t been at all close for many years, and i think the wedding invite was a gesture of reconciliation, alhamdulillah.

The children of my dad’s cousin are around my age, and one of the sons was getting married. I was one of only two hijabi sisters at the family house. I remember, i was walking through the hall-way and i saw my male “cousins” chatting away quite openly and frankly with some other female relatives, who happened to be non-hijabi. As i passed them to enter one of the rooms where the women were sitting, the male cousins became all sheepish and quiet, and lowered their gaze!! I was so surprised! This happened a few times during the weekend of the wedding.

Rather than be upset or offended, i took their gesture as a compliment. I had never told them off for their swearing, and as i said, i’m their age, so the only thing i could conclude from their behaviour was perhaps that the sight of my hijab had reminded them of Allah, and they decided out of respect not to cuss in front of me.

The same thing happened at another family event, where a guy swore in front of me, and he immediately apologised! Even though he had been swearing like a sailor in front of the non-hijabi girls, just a few minutes before! It reminded me of when Christians hastily apologize after accidently swearing in front of a priest: “Sorry, Father!”.

If my presence has such a humbling affect on my male cousins, then i think that is a good thing. But they are naughty boys for swearing at all! hehe

I remember once you said that when ppl leave comments like “great post” you wonder if they actually read it! But this really was a great post and something Ive been frustrated about for ages. Its a major issue. Thanks for discussing it!

Maliha- My husband is from Sana’a.

Wa alaykum salaam ...

“But does that awkwardness only occur around hijabis? Or are you awkward around All young women regardless of religion?”

I was speaking for the two unnamed men in your article who were awkward around hijabi women. Maybe it’s all a case of guilt and hormones, but what I wanted to clarify is that some brothers think that “lowering the gaze” applies to the face too, so maybe they are avoiding looking at the hijabi woman out of sheer modesty. Which may be hypocritical if they are not applying this rule to non-hijabis or non-muslims.

I personally have not had moral issues in interacting with modest, hijab-clad women. With me, the awkwardness sets in when she is ill-dressed, which is unfortunately an all-too-common scenario. In such circumstance, I really don’t know where to look.

But you know what, here in Pakistan I have noticed people ogling at modestly dressed hijabi women walking in the street. What sick pleasure they derive out of seeing two eyes, one nose, and two lips, I can’t fathom, but maybe it is people such as these who don’t know where to look when they actually have to talk to hijabi women.

This is just a theory, but it seems that Islam and the hijab culture of seperation of the sexes has made a psychological process that is called the Madonna-Whore syndrome a distinct reality.

Ya Haqq!

Salaams,

There are a number of interesting threads raised here, however, I do think we are over complicating the issue. In Sahih Al Bukahri the first Hadith is….Actions are according to intentions.

Thus, we need to ask what is the purpose of our salaam to the sisters who are Muslim and Non Muslim? If our intention is to carry out acts that are illegal then why even bother with the Salaam?

And my sister Shazia has said an interesting point about having three kids in tow. Who knows there might be brothers out there who actually like sisters in an Abaya and with three kids so there is something to worry about. And they might think wow she’s got a great heart and personality and I think hmm she’s worth marriage material or something illegal? Who knows it might be that brothers think that oh hang on she’s got three kids that’s a no goer, however what about the woman’s own desires?

I find that a woman will have desires as well, and its only natural. The beauty of Islam is that there is a legal way to carry this out.

To me there are more important things in life to worry about and perhaps we living in the West are so acclimatised to seeing women in skimpy clothing that we just get on with life. Maybe this is a serious wrong and society needs to re-adjust, I don’t know.
However, then the opposite can happen like Afghanistan and Saudi where the veils are on but the carnal desires are in overdrive? To be honest I think there should be a balance, no skimpy clothes but women and men should be comfortable in talking to each other otherwise how can we as a community grow?.

Good article Maliha.  I am glad you touched on a subject most of us dont have time to think about even though it is disconcerting as it happens frequently.  Our Muslim brothers have to realize that their aloofness in the name of modesty creates an awkward situation that is not present when we deal with non-Muslim professional men. It makes little sense to feel less comfortable around our brothers but quite free to engage in discourse with non-Muslim men.

As for side doors for the sisters, I have my thoughts about that too.  When it comes to fundraising in masjids, I have seen sisters write hefty checks or put up family jewels for the sake of Allah and yet when it comes to access to the masjid, sadly sisters have to access the masjid around the back somewhere.  While it is a fact that the brothers write most of the checks or pledges in masjid fundraising, remember it is the family coffers that are used - in some cases the sister in the family makes an equal or greater contribution in that account.  Alhamdullilah, in our newly constructed masjid in Howard County there are two front doors.

Before I pen off, I must comment on Fayyaz Khan’s comment that there are a lot more female prostitutes because women have a greater power of seduction.  Prostitution is solely a matter of economics and control; and has nothing to do with the power of female seduction.

Salamaat,
Hanif: I am glad you bring up the actions/intentions portions. And it does irritate me that a guy can look at a woman with three kids in tow and still get ideas! Sheesh kabobs.

But the real issue, is still being able to create those boundaries and still interact in a respectful manner. You are right, there will be no community if we keep this up.

Aunty Naima dearest: Thank you for bringing up all those points. I am glad Dar al Taqwa, took measures to ensure women have equal access to the Masjid (another big issue).

You know the saddest thing, when I was going around the masjid, I saw a big trash bin and I thought this *must* be the women’s entrance. I had to laugh at myself…Yes, women do contribute in more ways than one; and gaining the space to spiritually grow is not really a radical measure is it?

Thank you for responding to Fayyaz, I completely forgot about that statement. It’s erroneous to blame prostitution on women’s seduction; economics/power/abuse/pasts have a lot to do with it.

Peace out and thank you all for keeping this discussion alive.

I did some research on this issue not too long ago for my own peace of mind. Twice in one week my kids and I ran into the same brother who would not return my son’s salams even though on one occasion, my son was hanging out the car window YELLING, over and over again! Wouldn’t it have been kind of that brother to just salam my kids and thereby help me maintain my modesty at chevron. Nope.
And then another brother did the same thing at the playground…so from what I read…the salam is a right we have over each other. We must salam each other. And if a woman’s hayya is such that she cannot return a brother’s salam he should accept as if she did…also it’s the regular thing of the one approaching gives the salams.
So since I have educated myself regarding the adab, I can now easily make excuses for my bros’ ignorance when they don’t give me my rights.
I so LOVE my brothers that run up to my kids in the supermarket and quickly give them salams and kisses and dissappear again before I’m even sure whose husband that was!
IMUSLIM,
Hear that. When I started covering, alhumdiallah, brothers that had just seen me uncovered only days before no longer looked at me and were much more um…reserved around me. And I like it.

I think we should give brothers the benefit of the doubt. We live in a society where everything is sexualized…it could very well be their defense mechanism. We may see it as cold and indifferent behaviour when in actuality it could just be their way of coping. Just make excuses