Identity Crisis

It’s a funny thing to be a hijabi Muslim, Trinidadian living in Canada. Funny because of all the stereotyping that follows you, funny because of the people who speak to you in a certain way because they judge you on your appearance, funny because I don’t fit into any moulds!

When I first came to Canada, I wasn’t sure where I belonged – my program consisted of a large number of East Indians, and because of my skin color, I think they were the first group of classmates to reach out to me. But, “yaar”, it didn’t work out because I hardly understood their conversations, on account of my being language-challenged and all.

I am one of those people that really break stereotypes, you know, like when I meet some non-Indian person for the first time and they say “wow, your English is really good!”, and I respond with “well, since it’s the only language I know, I really hope it’s good!”, or when I get greeted in Urdu or some other language and I give them the “I have NO idea what you’re going on about” look and then completely shock them by saying that I am actually from Trinidad! And of course, there are those people who believe all the Muslim-hype and then meet me, you know, “the wife who doesn’t care about her husband’s desires”, just saying…

When I was in Trinidad, I was classified as ‘Indian’, and pretty much nothing else, and I really thought I was Indian, until I met some ‘real’ Indians here in Canada, who wasted no time in informing me that I am in fact not Indian because neither I nor my parents were born in India (nevermind the fact that most of my great-grandparents were), I am sort of a lesser type of Indian, which I like to refer to as “Fake Indian”. I actually am fond of the ‘Fake Indian’ categorization!

Since I wear a headscarf now, there are huge assumptions being made about me by strangers, you know, like now when I go to public bathrooms, girls will toss their hair an absurdly, unnecessary number of times in front of me in an attempt, I presume, to make me jealous, or for example, when we’re at Walmart and people stare at me and all my 3 kids, shaking their heads disapprovingly at my baby-making skills, but hardly even notice the ‘white’ mother next to me with her 6 kids. Again, just saying…

My identity crisis, I think, is vividly represented in this little story about my 4 year old… At Costco, he started singing “Allaaaah, Allaaaah…” and I thought “ummm, someone might think we’re planning some kind of Costco attack and call the cops for my poor kid”, so I asked him to stop… Then, at the mall, he started singing, “Open IT! Open IT!” and I thought “ummm, someone might think I am not a good Muslim, allowing my kid to listen to soca”, so again I asked him to stop…

We live in a world where stereotyping does not work, where judging people based solely upon their appearance is unfair, where culture is not isolated to a specific region - let’s respect individuality.

I can really relate to a lot of what you have written about.  I think the closest I ever came to fitting in was when I was little and lived in Belgium.  My father was in the US military and that is where he was stationed at the time.  All the kids there were from all different places.  Once he left the military when I was in 3rd grade and we moved to Florida I soon found myself an outsider.  I was even more of an outsider when we moved to Utah.  Almost everyone grew up together and their families had been Mormons for generations.  So having parents who were both converts and having lived in different places made me different than everyone else.  Now here I am a muslim woman in Minnesota.  I don’t fit in with my husband’s group of friends, I don’t speak arabic and I’m american.  I don’t fit in with the americans because I am muslim, cover my hair, wear long sleeves and on occasion wear abayas.  I get the looks at the store as well.  Just this week a woman came up to me and started speaking to me in arabic, I had to explain to her that I didn’t understand.  This past weekend there was the parking attendant who wanted to know where I was from who was surprised when I informed him I was american.  I’ve even made similar comments to my kids when out in public worrying what people would say or do if my kids said something they didn’t understand.  I reall hope that I’ve become more understanding and accepting of others through my own experiences.

I was at walmart just this sunday and I overhead this 50ish yr old woman telling a much older woman(I think her mom),“Yeah,they(meaning me/muslim women)are used to that, you know they are used to wearing that(hijab/long sleeves)in the desert!”. I couldn’t help but smile, they probably thought I didn’t speak english too! I also come from a place where we are the minority. And now in Canada, same situation but alhamdullilah, so far we have made the “adjustments” well.

It’s unfortunate that those assumptions and stereotypes are still there. Although I like to think that we’re getting better. Living in Vancouver, I see so many different cultures. It definitely see certain cultures hanging out with people of the same culture - but I guess it’s just easier to identify with each other.

I’m 19 and I have to say - it’s great when all my friends from High School go out together - we’ve got a total mix! Canadian. German. Jewish. Sri Lankan. Croatian. Chinese. And it’s amazing how we all get along. I hope that when I have kids, they will be even more accepting than my generation.

So I think that’s something to look forward to - your kids will hopefully not have to deal with as many looks or assumptions as you have had to put up with.

Surviving, unfortunately - it seems if you’re a convert, you’ll always be treated differently! Unless you’re my husband - who is a convert, but does not look it, (as you must have noticed in his photos) and he’s also “real indian”, so he doesn’t have the same identity issues as me.

lol sf - I know exactly what that’s like!

Monica, welcome and thanks for your comment! It is nice that your generation is more accepting and less judgmental! You know, this actually does not bother me too much - I love the fact that I am able to shock these people, it gives them something to think about and may be it will even help them change they “stereotyped” views of people!

I always loved the look of shock on peoples faces when they’d ask me the origin of my name and I would say “It’s Muslim”.  The next question would be “when did you convert”.  After I’ve told them that I was born Muslim they’d ask when my parents converted.

It’s always followed by “I’ve never seen a blonde haired, green eyed, fair skinned Muslim before.”

I always found that disappointing since images of Bosnians had been broadcast on televisions - daily for years.

However, it’s just this passed spring that my oldest daughter started wearing hijab full time and now when we are out together I’m noticing all of the looks.  Her in a scarf and abaya and me in jeans, t-shirt and styled highlighted hair.  I’ve never seen so many looks of confusion in my life nor have I seen so many looks in general.  People can be blatently rude in staring at my daughter so I find it makes me feel better to stare right back.

I won’t even start about Muslim reactions that I get .. some are funny and some not so funny.

samaha, I’m happy for your daughter, may Allah give her strenght, ameen.

Well, I am the only one that wears hijab in my family, but maybe it’s a common thing in Canada to see a mixture of hijabi and non-hijabi together because we don’t get too many strange looks because of it (or maybe it’s been too long and I no longer notice!)

As for “how muslims look”, I think if you are ‘white’ looking, people assume there is no way you can be muslim! But, I am glad that we are breaking stereotypes - I think it goes a long way in getting people have less hate!

thanks for your comment and for hosting the carnival!

Indian Muslims are the second largest community on religious basis (over 20% of India’s population is Muslim).Now, of course, to an outsider a Muslim is a Muslim is a Muslim.But is it true?No!, says Mohib. Here is why: Poverty amongst Indian Muslims and the Reasons

excellent and insightful article here.

i live with and am very observant of my own sterotyping and those of me. it’s an extra stress that can shorten our lives and is unfair we have to deal with other people’s issues with us. you have a triple obstacle with being a minority, a woman and Muslim in North America! yikes.

hopefully, our kids will grow in a more tolerant and understanding world.

thanks JJ.

I think that most of us do go though a fair amount of stereotyping, and you’re right it is just extra stress.

I am also hopeful that our kids will succeed where we’ve obviously failed!

What you’ve written hits so close to home…Its what i’ve been feeling lately. More specifically, i don’t know when or how knowledge became a secular property and Islam and knowledge mutually exclusive. When people see my hijab, i mostly get addressed like i’m some sorta retard. Letely, i’ve just taken to having a bit of fun and giving them blank looks right back till they find out for themselves who topped this semester. I’m bad; i know it.

It must be so much harder for you being in a Muslim minority country. Its awful the way people sick labels onto people and shove them into a box. And if *we* do it, we get called prejudiced. Hypocritical, really.

Oh Specs, it’s some true - when did Islam and knowledge become mutually exclusive?? It’s so sad really, knowledge is one of the fundamental parts of Islam. But you know what - it’s all about breaking the stereotypes, we have the power to do that, even if we help just one person change their views, then we’ve succeeded! At least I like to think so!

take care and don’t let it get you down!

ASsalaamu ‘alaykum wa rahmatullaah

MashaAllaah, I’m really enjoying some of the posts here.

What is sad is that stereotypes will always exist, it is a type of conditioning that is embedded in every human being. Just do not translate those stereotypes and prejudices into action and ignorant statements.

I try to believe that if I can’t see them, they can’t see me, lol. But sometimes shaytaan will make you feel so selfconscious as though everyone is looking and talking about you, and sometimes one becomes apologetic for the way they look. I wear niqaab and full jilbaab, and I live in Markham, and alhamdulillaah I do not know if I just dont see it, but I have not experienced ignorant comments or actions. Still however I feel like I have to prove myself all the time, I ask Allaah to make us proud muslims and assist us in preserving our Islamic identities. Ameen

I hope to visit this site more, excellent articles mashaAllaah

your sister
zahra mukhtar