Engagement: Foundation of Successful Marriage
Nisma called me crying about her husband’s decision. He won’t allow her to finish graduate school. “He said he didn’t want me to do that anymore” she said between cries. I could barely understand her words. Before attacking her husband’s sudden decision of crushing his wife’s dreams, I asked immediately, “was this discussed during your engagement?”
She shook her head and cried some more.
Most girls are excited about their wedding day, the cake, the dress, and the celebration, they forget the most important thing of all—the actual marriage. The engagement period is the most critical period that will decide a happy and blissful future.
The wedding, the babies, and fiance can happen with anyone. The Engagement period allows a relationship to evolve to the status of special and unique; as a result, during this period one must discuss every little aspect of the life ahead with the potential spouse.
Topics that must be discussed:
1) Goals in life: What do both of you seek in life? I know as Muslims we all say we want to be good Muslims and die that way, but look at the bigger picture. What are your academic, spiritual goals? Living standards (how do you expect to live after marriage)?
2) How will you live your life? Roles in the household. Will you work or not? Education or not? Children now or not? Living with in-laws or alone? Where will you settle?
3) Raising children: What are your views on raising children? What method would you like to use? Do you believe in using physical force for discipline?
4) Household Budget: The way money in the household will be divided. Will the husband be the maintainer of the household or expenses will be shared?
5) Disputes: How to solve problems when they occur (are you going to let the families or an outsider intervene?) Decide on a mutual person to be the judge between the both of you if conflict occurs.
4) Personality: How tolerable are you of one another’s quirks? Get to know each other well and be honest about your likes, dislikes and behaviors.
5) Honesty: Be honest about things that will affect your future. Make sure that you are open about your feelings/thoughts/ideas. Sometimes our culture teaches us to be quiet and shy. Start off your relationship with honesty. It will help a lot and never be afraid to ask.
Duration of engagement:
It is important to understand that a fiance is not a Mahram, therefore one must follow the Islamic rulings when it comes with dealing with non-mahrams of the opposite gender.
Islamically, long engagements are not recommended. Duration of engagement is greatly influenced by culture, preferences and economic ability. Once you have discussed everything possible there is no reason to delay marriage.
If only Nisma discussed things during the engagement and included things in the marriage contract, she could avoided the dispute she is having with her husband today. The engagement period could be fun, but it’s the crucial step towards a successful marriage.
