A true story about polygamy

A few years ago I taught English in a small Gulf country. My students were a lively group of girls and I had a very friendly relationship with them. One student particularly caught my attention because she was kind and a happy but pale looking child. When Ayesha graduated from my class we started meeting after class hours for chat and coffee. I learnt that she had Thalassemia, a disease she shared with all her siblings. I also learnt that she was in love. The boy lived in the same town as her, in a neighbouring locality. Ayesha had met him in the clinic during a routine blood transfusion. She also told me that her deceased father was a much married man. He had married 13 times and had fathered around 50 children. Sometimes, Ayesha met girls when she was in public school only to discover a few weeks later that they were stepsisters. She laughed at her situation. I really liked her childlike innocence, her total belief in God, and her optimism that sparkled rainbows through her eyes.

Ayesha graduated from college and we lost touch. About a year later, as I was washing hands in a mall’s toilet someone called my name. I turned around to see a skeletal Ayesha staring hollowly at me. For the first time, she wasn’t smiling, although I assumed she was happy to see me. We hugged, and asked after each other. Then we proceeded to the nearest Starbucks. We had to talk. Till that day I was the most naïve person in the world. I believed in candy floss, diamond rings, innocent giggles, and happy endings.  What Ayesha told me shattered my hopefulness.

Ayesha told me this - Her mother wanted her to marry her maternal aunt’s son but Ayesha somehow convinced her to meet the ‘love of her life.’ Meanwhile, the boy (Omar) urged his family to meet Ayesha’s. Finally Omar’s family visited them and made a formal wedding proposal which was tentatively accepted. Ayesha started meeting Omar more regularly and they proceeded in their hopeful relationship with a kiss but nothing more. When Omar’s mother visited Ayesha’s mother the second time, the two families talked more openly and more questions were asked. It was then discovered, to the horror of everyone involved, that Ayesha and Omar were stepsiblings. Ayesha’s father had also (among his dozen wives) married Omar’s mother and fathered Omar. When she told me her story, I doubted for a second if it was real. I had never even imagined a situation like this. My grandmother had suffered greatly in a polygamous marriage but she died when I was very young and I never saw my mother’s father so I wasn’t exposed to a polygamous family. I didn’t know that polygamy could be practiced so mindlessly.
Ayesha shamefully told me how she rubbed her lips and washed mouth for months after discovering that she had romantically kissed her brother. She told me a few other sad facts of her life. Her mother had forced her to marry her cousin who was the only man willing to marry her after what ‘she’ had done. After the wedding, he realised that he didn’t love a woman who had destroyed the family’s honour and within weeks married another woman without even telling Ayesha. When I met Ayesha, she was a wreck. She was suffering the brunt of painful polygamy because of her father’s polygamy. It was sad and horribly disgusting. Mindless multiple marriages can have dire consequences of which Ayesha is just one example.

My theory is that even if Omar and Ayesha were not stepsiblings but somehow did not get married and later Ayesha had married her cousin, the latter would have abused her in the same manner. However, it is redundant to say that I was extremely disturbed by Ayesha’s situation. Together with her I started reading on polygamy to find out why some men marry more than once and read the book, From Monogamy to Polygamy. From the book I was referred to polygamy groups and blogs. Initially, I was very confused. The impression I got from the book and other readings was that men are not satisfied with one woman; polygamy is a ‘right’ given to them by God; a wife has no business worrying about what her husband may be doing in the next room with his other wife; and that to be a good wife who wants to gain entry into Paradise, I must not only allow but also encourage polygamy. Some women I interacted with actively seek wives for their husbands in the hope of pleasing God.

For the first time in my life, I seriously doubted my piety. I was also very confused because I couldn’t understand why God would want women to suffer and men to have access to multitude of women. Above all, I couldn’t understand how this overindulgence was pleasing to God and equaled piety. I was younger and utterly naïve. I know better now. I am not the only born Muslim who was confused about the issue. There are others I know. However, if I, a born Muslim, did not know the truth about polygamy and was so confused how do we expect convert women with little knowledge about their new religion to fight for their rights with men who manipulate them? I felt for such women. I felt for Ayesha and her mother and all her dozen co-wives.

I now know that polygamy is not an obligation. It is not even sunnah. If there are men who want to practice it they should know the limits, the conditions, and the consequences. Someone recently asked me about polygyny and this is what I wrote to her: I see very little use of polygamy in today’s age. From my reading, I have understood that it is allowed in Islam just like divorce is allowed or like men were allowed to sleep with concubines and even father their children. Slavery was tolerated too and was controlled but not totally abolished by Islam. With time, slavery and concubinage have been eradicated. Polygyny has remained. Mostly what I have seen is that women are made to believe by their men that polygyny is *part* of Islam ... and so they are unwillingly pulled into polygynous relationships. Polygyny, as I see, is mental abuse in such situations. 

There were many social benefits of polygamy. When polygamy was introduced, Islam was still growing, Muslim community and population was small, and many men died in wars. These men were also allowed legal sex with their female slaves. Indeed, they also had slaves. Society has changed tremendously since. Polygamy should not be used as an excuse to satiate the thirst for endless female company. This is not Islam. Any non-Muslim reading this should know this. Any naïve Muslim should know it too. 

This is how I started writing. I wanted to look beyond the pale and the veil. I wanted answers to questions that were haunting me. I wanted to offer answers that I knew. I don’t always pat backs. If something is not right I call it wrong. I know that I write things that sting. Nevertheless, at the same time I also support what is right. I have vehemently supported women who cover their hair. I show appreciation for people who respect Islam, and express the need for women to adopt active roles in religion and politics.

I write this for Ayesha. She called me a couple of weeks back. Her divorce was finalised earlier that week. She is working and is finally ‘free’. Omar is in the US for further studies. They have no contact with each other, of course. Ayesha has successfully traced all of her father’s children and put them in contact with each other. She thinks it is very important for men to announce their marriage(s) and not keep it/them secret. She also wants people to know what happened to her so they may learn from what she calls “her father’s dozen mistakes. She wishes women to receive education, stand up for their rights, and make sound decisions.

When you read this Ayesha, know that there are women who will always stand by you and love you, and I will be in the front row. May God bless you always.

oh suroor, I can see that this affects you at a personal level, whereas I have hardly even been in contact with these situations, so it is hard for me to put that much emotions into the discussion. I do not disagree with the way it is done is wrong, and I do not disagree that these men are doing it for the wrong reasons… but THEY will have to answer to Allah (Swt) for that. The only think I disagree with is that we cannot just decide to change the laws of Allah (swt)... and I am not saying this out of fear of anyone, only from fear of Allah (swt). We need to separate the actual law, from how humans are interpreting it and abusing it… that is the problem… that blantant abuse and the ignorance, and that is what we need to focus our efforts on… supporting women, having outlets to help women in these situations, educating our women, and men alike to make the right and informed decisions, having support groups for children. To pursue an argument that polygany should be outlawed is futile in my view… I don’t think that men will stop just because we say so, and I think its a better use of our time and energy to give support to women who are already in this situation. sorry if I made you mad. :(

Not at all, Shaz. It is 3.00 AM here and Mariam woke me up because she threw up in her bed after a fit of cough. I cleaned her but couldn’t sleep because of the smell so I starting checking emails etc. I’m very scared that Aly will walk in on me and tell me off for staying up at this hour so I’m a bit fast and crude in what I’m saying!

I’m crazy and you know that. Aly gets so worked up that I worry so much about other women and their situations that are not even remotely linked to my lifestyle. But Allah has given me this tender heart and it beats that way because He wants it like that. A woman once wrote to me privately and said something like I’m sorry that polygamy hurts you so bad; it must be awful :D I never replied because she could never think I get upset over it for other women most of whom I haven’t even met personally.

Sorry Shaz for being so fast and crude. I better sneak back into the bed now!

Salaams Suroor,

I did begin to write a response to your moving comments but i got distracted half way and then I gave up! However i was reading Surah an-Nisa yesterday which contains the verse you quoted and found something very interesting.

First, i need to ask about your interpretation of ayah 3 [Yusuf Ali translation]:

If ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, Marry women of your choice, Two or three or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess, that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice.

Why do you think the phrase “marry women of your choice” refers to mothers of orphans rather than any woman, whether they be virgins, widows, divorcees etc?

The interesting verse i mention is ayah 24 [Yusuf Ali translation; emphasis mine]:

Also (prohibited are) women already married, except those whom your right hands possess:
Thus hath Allah ordained (Prohibitions) against you:
Except for these, all others are lawful, provided ye seek (them in marriage) with gifts from your property,
desiring chastity, not lust,
seeing that ye derive benefit from them, give them their dowers (at least) as prescribed;
but if, after a dower is prescribed, agree mutually (to vary it), there is no blame on you,
and Allah is All-knowing, All-wise.</i>

Yusuf Ali notes that the desire for marriage should be to protect one’s chastity and not to fulfil one’s lust. This ayah shows that men who marry multiple times in order to sleep with as many women as they can get away with, are not in the realms of the halal!

We already knew that, i know, but i thought i’d mention it as one more argument against such depravity.

Wa’salam

Salaam iMuslim and Eid Mubarak!

I write this as I chomp on a chop

First, it is wonderful that you quoted the ayah about marrying for chastity. Not pointing fingers at particular people, but if you even superficially look through polygamy blogs you will see that a number of first wives complain that their husbands have married non-Muslim women, giving them preference over the Muslim and pious first wives. These women may not be unchaste but what is the logic in marrying them? First wives of such men don’t always voice their concern but they worry about STDs and worse, AIDS. This is another issue we NEVER discuss although we know what a huge problem STDs are in the 21st Century.

Now the ayah from Surah Nisa. Like I explained in an earlier comment, Surah Nisa has historical reference. It was revealed after the battle of Uhud when many Muslim men were killed leaving behind many, many widows and orphans. The ayah was an instruction to Muslim men to look after the orphans of Muslims killed. Muslim men could marry the widows – mothers of the orphans. The incentive was that they could choose the mothers they wanted to marry rather than women assigned to them. This was a practical way of ensuring that:

•  these women were protected
•  their religion and children were protected
•  they were not captured by the enemies

It is clearly written in the Quran that a man can only marry a “widow� and only a “widow who has children� who need to be looked after. “Mothers of orphans� is the stipulation.

Muslim men used to go to feed and support the orphans and people could have started rumours about them and the mothers of orphans; knowing human nature and knowing that people didn’t even spare Aisha (pbuh). We know how much Islam dislikes rumours about women being blamed wrongly and so the Quran instructed that if the men feared that they would not be able to ‘deal justly’ with the orphans then they could marry the orphans’ mothers ‘two, or three or four.’

I don’t know how many times I have explained to Muslims that the condition for marrying a second time is ONLY that the man married a “widow with children.� I have said it a hundred times but the worst part is that even women are unwilling to listen.

Wassalam

Forgot to mention that this is what I think. What are your opinions?

Salaams, i hope you enjoyed your chomp!

”First wives of such men don’t always voice their concern but they worry about STDs and worse, AIDS. This is another issue we NEVER discuss although we know what a huge problem STDs are in the 21st Century.”

Subhanallah, that is something i didn’t even think about! Thank you for bringing it up.

”It is clearly written in the Quran that a man can only marry a “widowâ€? and only a “widow who has childrenâ€? who need to be looked after. “Mothers of orphansâ€? is the stipulation.”

This is where i get confused… in all the translations of verse 3 i have referred to (Y.Ali, Shakir, Pickthall, Mohsin Khan & M.Asad), the word “woman” is used and not “mothers of orpans” or “widows”. Are you referring to another verse or to the tafsir of the ayah?

Btw, someone emailed me a copy of the Qur’an translated by Muhammad Asad. His commentary on this verse and other verses relating to “those whom your right hands possess” included the conclusion that concubinage is not legal in Islam. He stated that sex is only legal through marriage whether it be to free women or slave girls, and that the main difference between these two parties was that the first was entitled to a dower and the second would receive freedom as their dower (i think).

I am not sure how well accepted or substantiated his position is, but it certainly took me by surprise! I am not about to blindly accept it just because it sounds more PC… i’d like to know what other scholars have to say before passing judgement. Are you aware of this argument?

Wa’salam

P.S., this seems to be the standard response of scholars on concubinage.

Perhaps it is moot for me to discuss concubinage when slavery does not exist at present…

Salaam iMuslim,

Alright, now I understand your question! Sorry about that. I was explaining the ayah as I saw it and not as how it has been interpreted. I’m sorry. I’ll try here Inshallah.

Regarding the ayah from Surah Nisa, I’d go for the Arabic original. Just for quick and easy reference here it is: http://www.geocities.com/hollywood/lot/6093/4nisa.html (note the link says Hollywood!!). The words used to describe the women you can marry are ‘ma taaba lakum minan nisa’ meaning “from the women you want.� Yusuf Ali, Pickthal and Shakir have all added qualifiers like – “Marry women of your choice�; “marry of the women, who seem good to you�; or “marry such women as seem good to you.� There are more pro-women explanations like one here - http://www.sistersinislam.org.my/lte/20081990.htm which explains that polygamy is a responsibility not a right but they do not mention the type of women a man should to help raise orphans.

How I understand the ayah is that it is definitely not a male right. It is more of a responsibility given to men. This is strengthened with the fact that sex with multiple women was not a problem in early Islam if one was rich. A rich man whether married or unmarried could always afford slave girls and have sex with as many as he wanted. Marriage was therefore a requirement but there was no urgent need for marriage to have sex unlike in today’s time when a Muslim man must marry to have sex since slavery has been abolished.

Second, the word “ma taaba lakum minan nisa� must mean something. A man is allowed to marry from which group of ‘likeable’ women? If for example, a married man called Yahya wants to raise the orphans of his deceased brother Yaqoob and he thinks that he will need to marry one more time so that he is ‘just’ and ‘fair’ to those orphans then logically whom should he marry? Should he look for woman of “his choice� or should he marry the mother of the orphans, his SIL? Now if there are many orphans he has to look after then his choice of women increases. He may choose to adopt the orphans whose mothers he may like one, or two, or three, or four. However, if by doing so he will be neglecting his original wife then he must refrain.

Whether someone looks at the ayah like this or insists that a man can marry any woman (divorcee/widow/virgin) and not just the mother of orphans, the fact remains that he can only remarry if there are ‘yatama’ (orphans) he has to look after. That is the important point.

Wow! I like Muhammed Asad!! I wasn’t aware of this argument at all but I sure like it Unfortunately, I’m still struggling with the idea of concubinage in Islam. Until last year I was trying to understand polygamy and now concubinage is on my “list of humble understanding.� I have read the link you sent before. Sadly you can’t help but discuss these issues because of scholarly opinions like these. I also read somewhere about a scholar who argued that if Muslims were to take over a land in today’s time, the PoWs and civilians under the new Islamic law would be the property of Muslims and so the men could have sex with the women who are ‘possessed’ through war.

I know concubinage is in the Quran and I don’t deny it but as a Muslim I want to understand it. I don’t want to be an apologetic; I want to be informed. I know that how I approach it today is from an outlook informed by civilization and modernism where morality equals chastity and free sex without the consent of the woman equals rape. That is why I don’t understand how a slave girl even if she was married became the possession of a man and her marriage was declared null and void.

I want to meet one Muslim woman, just one, who today has no issues with concubinage just like the scholar in the link you provided.

Well, here are some of Asad’s views on the issue of concubines, that iMuslim brought up. Not that his opinion is necessarily the majority view, or that it’s even correct, but we can at least be aware that these different opinions exist. And Asad and his “The Message of the Qur’an” are pretty well known, I think, even though I know some disagree with his interpretations.

4: 3
...but if you have reason to fear that you might not be able to treat them with equal fairness, then [only] one - or [from among] those whom you rightfully possess.** This will make it more likely that you will not deviate from the right course.

**Lit., “whom your right hands possess” - i.e., from among the captives taken in a war in God’s cause (regarding which see notes on surah 2, notes 167 and 168, and surah 8, note 72). It is obvious that the phrase “two, or three, or four: but if you have reason to fear…”, etc. is a parenthetic clause relating to both the free women mentioned in the first part of the sentence and to female slaves - for both these nouns are governed by the imperative verb “marry”. Thus, the whole sentence has this meaning: “Marry from among [other] women such as are lawful to you, or [from among] those whom you rightfully possess - [even] two, or three, or four: but if you have reason to fear that you might not be able to treat them with equal fairness, then [only] one”- implying that, irrespective of whether they are free women or, originally, slaves, the number of wives must not exceed four. It was in this sense that Muhammad ‘Abduh understood the above verse (see Manar IV, 350). This view is, moreover, supported by verse 25 of this surah as well as by 24: 32, where marriage with female slaves is spoken of. Contrary to the popular view and the practice of many Muslims in the past centuries, neither the Qur’an nor the life-example of the Prophet provides any sanction for sexual intercourse without marriage.

4: 24
And [forbidden to you are] all married women other than those whom you rightfully possess [through wedlock]:*  this is God’s ordinance, binding upon you. But lawful to you are all [women] beyond these, for you to seek out, offering them of your possessions,** taking them in honest wedlock, and not in fornication. And unto those with whom you desire to enjoy marriage, you shall give the dowers due to them; but you will incur no sin if, after [having agreed upon] this lawful due, you freely agree with one another upon anything [else]:*** behold, God is indeed all-knowing, wise.

*The term muhsanah signifies literally “a woman who is fortified [against unchastity]”, and carries three senses: (1) “a married woman”, (2) “a chaste woman”, and (3) “a free woman”. According to almost all the authorities, al-muhsanat denotes in the above context “married women”. As for the expression ma malakat aymanukum (“those whom your right hands possess”, i.e., “those whom you rightfully possess”), it is often taken to mean female slaves captured in a war in God’s cause (see in this connection 8:67, and the corresponding note). The commentators who choose this meaning hold that such slave-girls can be taken in marriage irrespective of whether they have husbands in the country of their origin or not. 
However, quite apart from the fundamental differences of opinion, even among the Companions of the Prophet, regarding the legality of such a marriage, some of the most outstanding commentators hold the view that ma malakat aymanukum denotes here “women whom you rightfully possess through wedlock”; thus Razi in his commentary on this verse, and Tabari in one of his alternative explanations (going back to ‘Abd Allah ibn ‘Abbas, Mujahid, and others). Razi, in particular, points out that the reference to “all married women” (al-muhsanat min an-nisa’), coming as it does after the enumeration of prohibited degrees of relationship, is meant to stress the prohibition of sexual relations with any woman other than one’s lawful wife.

4:50
O PROPHET! Behold, We have made lawful to thee thy wives unto whom thou hast paid their dowers, as well as those whom thy right hand has come to possess from among the captives of war whom God has bestowed upon thee.*

*As pointed out in several places (see, in particular, note on 4: 25), Islam does not countenance any form of concubinage, and categorically prohibits sexual relations between a man and a woman unless they are lawfully married to one another. In this respect, the only difference between a “free� woman and a slave is that whereas the former must receive a dower from her husband, no such obligation is imposed on a man who marries his rightfully owned slave (lit., “one whom his right hand possesses�) - that is, a woman taken captive in a “holy war� (jihad) waged in defense of the Faith or of liberty (notes on 2 :190 and on 8: 67) -: for, in such a case, the freedom conferred upon the bride by the very act of marriage is considered to be equivalent to a dower.

Verses and explanations taken from: http://www.geocities.com/masad02/

Safia, Asad is definitely more PC and I like to believe him. He is appealing to today’s masses which is what I’d support any day.

However, I have not seen any scholar who supported that “Islam does not countenance any form of concubinage, and categorically prohibits sexual relations between a man and a woman unless they are lawfully married to one another.� What Asad mentions here is actually Jewish tradition. Under ancient Judaism, a female captive was brought to the Jewish camp and allowed to mourn the death or separation from her husband for 40 days. Then her head was shaved and nails trimmed to signify rebirth and she was married to the Jewish master who was not allowed to have sex with her until they were married. Muslim scholars have actually attacked this practice claiming that forced marriage to a ‘free woman’ was inhumane. Personally, I find it more humane.

I would like to correspond with him and would like to find out how he reaches these conclusions because I find them likable. I don’t know what others will have to say to this especially many scholars who openly claim that Maria (pbuh) was a female slave gifted to the Prophet (pbuh) by the King of Egypt who even bore him a son but whom he never married. This was actually surprisingly to me because I had always assumed that he was married to her.

Asad died in the early 90s, he was also a Jew before he converted, so I’m sure he was very familiar with Jewish law and tradition. Although he doen’t mention anything about female slaves under Jewish tradition in his polygamy explanations.

Anyway, I thought at least people can see what one well known Islamic thinker thought about concubines. Just to show that there is a difference of opinion, even though, as I said, it doesn’t mean his view is correct.

As for Mariah, there is not a consensus, even among the scholars, whether she was a female slave or whether the Prophet (pbuh) married her. I’ve heard both, and I don’t think either one is the majority view.

Alright, on second thoughts I don’t think I want to correspond with Asad

Thanks Safia! It really helped knowing about another scholar’s opinion. I’m sure anyone reading this including myself is wiser now. Personally, it helped a lot because like I said I’m grappling with the idea in Islam.

Jazak Allah

iMuslim and Safia,

Here is a link that might interest you if you haven’t read it already. It is the most PC but not necessarily the best:

http://www.submission.org/women/care.html

Thanks! My sites: <a >lipitor</a> or lipitor.