A true story about polygamy

A few years ago I taught English in a small Gulf country. My students were a lively group of girls and I had a very friendly relationship with them. One student particularly caught my attention because she was kind and a happy but pale looking child. When Ayesha graduated from my class we started meeting after class hours for chat and coffee. I learnt that she had Thalassemia, a disease she shared with all her siblings. I also learnt that she was in love. The boy lived in the same town as her, in a neighbouring locality. Ayesha had met him in the clinic during a routine blood transfusion. She also told me that her deceased father was a much married man. He had married 13 times and had fathered around 50 children. Sometimes, Ayesha met girls when she was in public school only to discover a few weeks later that they were stepsisters. She laughed at her situation. I really liked her childlike innocence, her total belief in God, and her optimism that sparkled rainbows through her eyes.

Ayesha graduated from college and we lost touch. About a year later, as I was washing hands in a mall’s toilet someone called my name. I turned around to see a skeletal Ayesha staring hollowly at me. For the first time, she wasn’t smiling, although I assumed she was happy to see me. We hugged, and asked after each other. Then we proceeded to the nearest Starbucks. We had to talk. Till that day I was the most naïve person in the world. I believed in candy floss, diamond rings, innocent giggles, and happy endings.  What Ayesha told me shattered my hopefulness.

Ayesha told me this - Her mother wanted her to marry her maternal aunt’s son but Ayesha somehow convinced her to meet the ‘love of her life.’ Meanwhile, the boy (Omar) urged his family to meet Ayesha’s. Finally Omar’s family visited them and made a formal wedding proposal which was tentatively accepted. Ayesha started meeting Omar more regularly and they proceeded in their hopeful relationship with a kiss but nothing more. When Omar’s mother visited Ayesha’s mother the second time, the two families talked more openly and more questions were asked. It was then discovered, to the horror of everyone involved, that Ayesha and Omar were stepsiblings. Ayesha’s father had also (among his dozen wives) married Omar’s mother and fathered Omar. When she told me her story, I doubted for a second if it was real. I had never even imagined a situation like this. My grandmother had suffered greatly in a polygamous marriage but she died when I was very young and I never saw my mother’s father so I wasn’t exposed to a polygamous family. I didn’t know that polygamy could be practiced so mindlessly.
Ayesha shamefully told me how she rubbed her lips and washed mouth for months after discovering that she had romantically kissed her brother. She told me a few other sad facts of her life. Her mother had forced her to marry her cousin who was the only man willing to marry her after what ‘she’ had done. After the wedding, he realised that he didn’t love a woman who had destroyed the family’s honour and within weeks married another woman without even telling Ayesha. When I met Ayesha, she was a wreck. She was suffering the brunt of painful polygamy because of her father’s polygamy. It was sad and horribly disgusting. Mindless multiple marriages can have dire consequences of which Ayesha is just one example.

My theory is that even if Omar and Ayesha were not stepsiblings but somehow did not get married and later Ayesha had married her cousin, the latter would have abused her in the same manner. However, it is redundant to say that I was extremely disturbed by Ayesha’s situation. Together with her I started reading on polygamy to find out why some men marry more than once and read the book, From Monogamy to Polygamy. From the book I was referred to polygamy groups and blogs. Initially, I was very confused. The impression I got from the book and other readings was that men are not satisfied with one woman; polygamy is a ‘right’ given to them by God; a wife has no business worrying about what her husband may be doing in the next room with his other wife; and that to be a good wife who wants to gain entry into Paradise, I must not only allow but also encourage polygamy. Some women I interacted with actively seek wives for their husbands in the hope of pleasing God.

For the first time in my life, I seriously doubted my piety. I was also very confused because I couldn’t understand why God would want women to suffer and men to have access to multitude of women. Above all, I couldn’t understand how this overindulgence was pleasing to God and equaled piety. I was younger and utterly naïve. I know better now. I am not the only born Muslim who was confused about the issue. There are others I know. However, if I, a born Muslim, did not know the truth about polygamy and was so confused how do we expect convert women with little knowledge about their new religion to fight for their rights with men who manipulate them? I felt for such women. I felt for Ayesha and her mother and all her dozen co-wives.

I now know that polygamy is not an obligation. It is not even sunnah. If there are men who want to practice it they should know the limits, the conditions, and the consequences. Someone recently asked me about polygyny and this is what I wrote to her: I see very little use of polygamy in today’s age. From my reading, I have understood that it is allowed in Islam just like divorce is allowed or like men were allowed to sleep with concubines and even father their children. Slavery was tolerated too and was controlled but not totally abolished by Islam. With time, slavery and concubinage have been eradicated. Polygyny has remained. Mostly what I have seen is that women are made to believe by their men that polygyny is *part* of Islam ... and so they are unwillingly pulled into polygynous relationships. Polygyny, as I see, is mental abuse in such situations. 

There were many social benefits of polygamy. When polygamy was introduced, Islam was still growing, Muslim community and population was small, and many men died in wars. These men were also allowed legal sex with their female slaves. Indeed, they also had slaves. Society has changed tremendously since. Polygamy should not be used as an excuse to satiate the thirst for endless female company. This is not Islam. Any non-Muslim reading this should know this. Any naïve Muslim should know it too. 

This is how I started writing. I wanted to look beyond the pale and the veil. I wanted answers to questions that were haunting me. I wanted to offer answers that I knew. I don’t always pat backs. If something is not right I call it wrong. I know that I write things that sting. Nevertheless, at the same time I also support what is right. I have vehemently supported women who cover their hair. I show appreciation for people who respect Islam, and express the need for women to adopt active roles in religion and politics.

I write this for Ayesha. She called me a couple of weeks back. Her divorce was finalised earlier that week. She is working and is finally ‘free’. Omar is in the US for further studies. They have no contact with each other, of course. Ayesha has successfully traced all of her father’s children and put them in contact with each other. She thinks it is very important for men to announce their marriage(s) and not keep it/them secret. She also wants people to know what happened to her so they may learn from what she calls “her father’s dozen mistakes. She wishes women to receive education, stand up for their rights, and make sound decisions.

When you read this Ayesha, know that there are women who will always stand by you and love you, and I will be in the front row. May God bless you always.

All I have to say is OH Please what a phony attempt at making people believe your modernistic views which have no basis in Islam. I don’t believe your story, but if it is true then I would have to say that this Ayesha girl had no business kissing a man who was not her husband in the first place. Maybe if she had waited she would have discovered the truth before she did what she did. Anyways I doubt her father could be married to 12 women (“Dozens of co-wives”) without them knowing about eachother at all. Another thing is that a man cannot be married to more than four at a time so he had to work some magic to be married to 12 in his lifetime and have 50 kids in secret. That is just dumb and it doesn’t make sense. It is hard to jugle just two wives let alone 12. The fact that you call Allah God and that you call the hijab a veil and I am sorry to say .....makes me doubt your Islam. If I am wrong then may ALLAH forgive me. But what I see here is you trying to manipulate the readers, new Muslims and Muslims who are having normal difficulty in their polygamous relationships. Shame on you and if you don’t agree with polygamy then that is your choice, but you cannot make haram what Allah has made halal and incase you do not know what those words mean. Halal means lawful and haram means unlawful.

Vena, Asalaam alekum. I was going to email this comment to you so that it was private and I didn’t make you sound silly. I will still email the “harsherâ€? parts of the comment to respect you on the forum. I thought I must clarify things here too so it is here.

I can understand where you are coming from. But, I didn’t attack you. I didn’t attack any Muslim who may be married many times but is doing a *fair* job at keeping all his wives happy. Read again, I wrote “Polygamy should not be used as an excuse to satiate the thirst for endless female companyâ€? Or that “Polygyny, as I see, is mental abuse in SUCH situations.â€?  I offered just ONE type of situation. It happens and can happen. Should we suffer from “ostrich syndromeâ€? and dig our heads in the sand, waiting for miracles? Should we refuse to talk about terrible situations because we don’t to believe in them? But, where did I attack you personally? Why do you sound like I have attacked you?

There are men who marry many, many times during a lifetime but keep 4 wives at a time. I read somewhere about an African man but I can’t find the reference now. Here is another example: http://www.arabnews.com/?page=1&section=0&article=41504&d=19&m=3&y=2004

Can you quote where I call polygamy haram? Where do I say I don’t agree with polygamy – full stop? Where do I call ALL polygamous men wrong? Where do I call ALL polygamous marriages wrong?

FYI, I used the word veil because I was referring to Rudyard Kipling’s short story “Beyond the Pale.â€?  But, I guess I should have been plainer in my writing. You may understand Arabic but many readers don’t.  I wrote this for all types of reader. Allah, God, Khuda, Rab – what’s the difference?

I’m a born Muslim and have been a Muslim longer than you in terms of the number of years we both have been alive. You are wrong and may Allah forgive you for that. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I never gave you or anyone else in the world to “doubt my Islam.� You are no body to doubt anyone’s religion. As far as the truth of this story is concerned, only Ayesha, I and Allah knows. So, let Allah handle this if it is a phony attempt to put forth my ideas. Shall we do that?

Salaam Dear Sister vena4,

I read Sister Suroor’s story as a sincere sharing of personal experience and a search for knowledge on the matter of polygyny. I thank her for this sharing. It would have been interesting to hear your own personal experience of this matter but your tone and accusations clouded any possibility of a gainful discussion. Maybe you did not intend it that way but reaction rather than thoughtful and loving response leads, in my experience, to an escalation of passionately held opinions that cut short any real dialogue and learning from each other. As a convert to Islam who has no personal experience of polygyny, I would dearly like to hear a variety of experiences and ideas on the matter, including your own.

Ya Hayy!

Yafiah

As salamu alikum sis suroor…..I sincerely from the bottom of my heart apologize for my comment. I knew that there was a possibility that I was wrong and that is why I said that if I was then I wish for Allah to forgive me. I guess I was wrong and I am sorry for that. You are absolutly right about the use of english words as opposed to arabic ones because the audience does not always underastand what is being said. The reason I was so weary was because we had “Muslim posers” on a lot of polygyny groups giving a bad impression of polygyny in Islam and I am sorry, but this post reminded me of those entries. You have to admit that story sounds very far fetched. I am sorry I judged you and may Allah forgive me. If you feel any resentment for me then I understand and I wish for your forgiveness too. I guess I was just a little heated that day from my own personal troubles. lol. I hope we can get past this. If there is any way I can delete my comment then please let me know. fi amman Allah.

Dear Yafiah

Asalaam alekum. Thank you very much for your kind words. They are much appreciated and jazak Allah kheir for them.

Asalaam alekum to you too dear Vena,

No worries. It never happened.

I thought for days before putting up the post here, and like sister Yafiah very kindly pointed out, I posted it with a sincere heart so we are better aware of how low some people can fall. I didn’t believe Ayesha’s story either in the beginning as I also mentioned in the post. That is because I didn’t think men can be that callous; sadly, now I know   some are. It was news and now I’m wiser.

Allah’s word cannot be wrong but humans err. I accept that humans make mistakes and that doesn’t make the religion wrong but only makes the people look ridiculous. I wanted to expose one such bizarre man. I don’t see him as an example of polygamy but as a symbol of insensitivity. I don’t think what Ayesha’s father did or what Al Sayeri is still doing can be compared to Islamic polygamy in any way.

Imposters can (and I assume will try to) comment on such forums but I say with comfortable confidence that no such person will be allowed to post articles or feature as a blogger on NISAA. Shazia (the brilliant brain behind NISAA) has known all writers for some time and I believe has ensured that we all know what we are talking about. Inshallah.

A salaam alaikum,

I am particularly grateful for this blog.  I am a recent AA convert (took shahadah June 2006)and am hungering for the truth about this one sensitive subject within the ummah.  No one sister has been open with me about the practices of polygamy in Islam.  The true reason that I have an interest in this subject is because I have been asked by a brother to marry him, only he already has two wives.  My perspective and attitude may truly be haram in this regard, as I do not wish to be a co-wife.  Because of my American upbringing and cultural misgivings, I don’t believe I could be non-emotional or insensitive about sharing my husband.  While there are advantages to this practice in the Islamic community, this is still something that I am having a difficult time accepting.  I know that we are not to question Allah, as he is omniscient and knows what is best for all.  Nonetheless, as a 35-year old, divorced, single mother, I also realize that my opportunity to be presented with a brother who reverently practices his iman to Allah’s pleasing is far and few in between.  My hope of marriage is not completely lost, but I do have to wonder if the only option I have is with someone who is already married.  I need to study more and as I make dua in regard to my present proposal and the ability/willingness to accept it, I would like to know about some of the successful polygamous marriages of the ummah.  I intend to find the book that you referenced, “From Monagamy to Polygamy”.  As I stated earlier, this is not a subject that is spoken of in the masjids or as part of the khutbahs I have witnessed thus far.  Many of the sisters I have encountered seem to look down on polygamy, so if there is a true positive side to it, I have yet to hear it.  Can someone enlighten me?

Assalam alekum Tameeka

Welcome to Islam; welcome to the Truth; and welcome to our hearts!

If you think it appropriate, I can put you in contact with women who should be able to give you information on polygyny. Some of these women are into polygamous marriages while others are not but they are learned individuals in matters of deen (religion) and duniya (world). If you want I can also send you my copy of the book to keep. My email is (JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Feel free to write to me if you want any information or need to communicate with other women to whom I can direct you.

Wasalaam

Suroor

I don’t know….this post bothers me.  Dealing with Polygyny is a very real, difficult thing for some people.  And when you read more stories about the harm, it doesn’t make you feel that it is for the good, u know?  Yes, we all know that the prophet (saw) was married to Khadija for 25 yrs, before he entered into polygamy….but having done so…..it became a sunnah.  Not only is it a sunnah….it is even mentioned in the Quran…..some radicals could even go as far to say that it would be FARD on a man who could be just between them.  But not FARD on the man who could not be just. 

There’s lots of room for argument there. 

*************************

I do think u bring up some good points…that a man with 50 kids, oughta make sure they know who they are….  and you also say that the conditions for Polygamy were different way back then….2 excellent points.  My own situation with polygamy doesn’t make me the best person to defend it…..but in the end….we are all muslims first…..

I think you are the best person to defend polygamy because of your situation, Safa. Who else would be a more reliable and honest person?! All of us are entitled to our opinions and it is pleasing to know that you have your opinions still firmly grounded in your belief even after what you have been through. SubhanAllah.

I realised a long time ago that arguing about certain points in religion will just make us run around in circles and we’ll all be pulling our hair out in the end. Polygamy is one such issue. I have stopped debating. If I wanted to argue polygyny, my tone, writing, references would have been very different. I’m only sharing a badly twisted case; I don’t have a premise here at all. Like you said, “there’s lots of room for argument here.â€? Some radicals even support slavery, saying it is sunnah and is in the Quran too. They even say those who deny slavery are infidels. The group that supports polygyny is relatively smaller than the majority of Muslims who now think that men have changed too much to practice polygyny like a true sunnah (if we want to call it sunnah at all). I personally don’t know more than a handful of men who may truly be “just.â€?  Sadly, there are more than that handful who want many wives. Polygyny is not about what a man wants from a social situation but about what he can give to it.

You are so right; reading about it “doesn’t make you feel that it is for the good.� When I was introduced to NISAA the polygyny blogs on NISAA gave rise to my first question to Shazia. I wondered if they were doing any good to NISAA or helping new Muslims and Shazia very kindly explained that we shouldn’t hide some social issues only because they can’t be seen through rosy spectacles. So, what do we want to hide by not discussing the harm? Ignorance can’t be a bliss if it can lead to harm. The reason Ayesha asked me to write her story and share it was because a case like her father’s is not isolated and there are a few if not many cases like that. People should be aware of all types of situation. Before I heard her story, I couldn’t even have imagined it was at all possible. This is not uncommon in small tribes in some countries, though. The case I presented here is very different from standard polygyny practiced today so it is not a typical case per se. But, I have read about the “typical� cases and they are equally upsetting!

It’s just so shocking to hear this story….such an exception to every rule, u know.  But I spose you have a point in saying that it needs to be told…..

I think the fact that NISAA has included polygyny blogs is wonderful!  When I first started blogging….we were just 3 sisters blogging about polygyny…since then, one of them is gone…..but right now, we are a little circle of about 11.  We’ve been as much as 14…but every so often someone comes and goes.  Thanks to NISAA for being brave…...

Oh, yes! NISAA rocks. I have immense respect for Shazia. I also whole heartedly support polygyny blogs here.

Did you read this one - http://www.arabnews.com/?page=1&section=0&article=41504&d=19&m=3&y=2004

It is a case similar to Ayesha’s but only worse. I’m looking for another reference that I can’t find.

Assalaamu ‘alaikum.

I presented this story to my husband and he was skeptical because he believed that the children (all 50 of them) should have the same surname (last name) even though they may have different mothers. I hadn’t thought of this, but it should be the case - one of my grandfathers had 24 children but they know one another due to the fact that they all have the same last name.

Allaah knows best.

Assalaam alekum,

I thought about this when she told me but I couldn’t doubt her honesty because where Ayesha is from people are known by tribal names and thousands have the same tribal name without them remotely knowing each other. In some cases the tribes migrate so the same tribal name is carried on to another country. For example, one may have thousands of Al-Seyaris in KSA, UAE, and other neighbouring countries. Once I had two students with the same second name and tribe’s name but they were not related although I assumed they were sisters.

I can’t imagine why Ayesha would make up a story.

But Allah knows best, yes.

salaams,

Here is what I learnt from my dad… polygany is a part of the sunna, and also is in the qur’an, but specifies one condition… for men who can afford it… which is to say afford it, physically, mentally, spiritually, and of course who has enough wealth to provide for his family. But, most men today cannot realistically “afford” it, and if they have multiple wives and do not live according to the rules and conditions of polygany in Islam, then they are in fact committing sin, instead of pleasing Allah. And again, Allah knows best.

ps. jazkaAllah for all of your kind words

Prerequisites of Being a muslim = Having firm, undoubting, un-resenting faith in the following ayahs

“Marry women of your choice, two or three or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with them, then only one or one that your right hands possess. That will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice.” (Qur’an 4:3)

“You will never be able to deal justly between wives however much you desire (to do so). But (if you have more than one wife) do not turn altogether away (from one), leaving her in suspense…” (Qur’an 4:129)

2:208 O ye who believe! Enter into Islam whole-heartedly; and follow not the footsteps of the evil one; for he is to you an avowed enemy.

2:112 Nay,-whoever submits His whole self to Allah and is a doer of good, - He will get his reward with his Lord; on such shall be no fear, nor shall they grieve.

4:125 who can be better in religion than one who submits his whole self to Allah, does good, and follows the way of Abraham the true in Faith? For Allah did take Abraham for a friend.

It is my understanding that polygamy is currently illegal in the United States.  Are we to follow the laws of the land we live in?  I am not for or against polygamy per se;  I think there are so many conditions set for it that I believe few could realistically fulfill them.

Exactly! You are right. The conditions are strict. Sheikhs insist that laws of a country of residence must be respected even if it is not an Islamic country. Therefore, polygamy should not occur in the US. It also has adverse effects on the polygamous situation because the second wife is not a legal wife. I read somewhere that a man introduced his second wife as his SIL. A wife who is not legal will technically not receive ‘fair’ and ‘just’ treatment.

Salaams all,

This is a BIG topic… and some very good points have been raised, mashallah.

Personally, i do not think any woman should enter into a polygamous marriage until she knows for sure that she will be able to obtain justice from the courts when/if her husbands fails in his duty to practice fair treatment.

So unless the guy was a proven diamond, i would not consider polygamous marriage in any non-Muslim country.

On top of that, i am not sure how many Muslim countries deal with polygynous issues fairly so that a co-wife would have somewhere to turn to when she needs help, and the husband would have some real pressure on his head to maintain justice in his household - though fear of Allah should be enough, we’re all prone to weakness.

I’m not against polygamous marriages in any way, i just think they should be safeguarded by the law just as much as monogamous marriages. This can only be done where polygyny is the “norm” in society, and where the legal and social systems can deal with any potential problems which may be unique to this type of family arrangement.

May Allah help us to maintain justice in every aspect of our lives. Ameen.

Wa’salam

salaams iMuslim, very well said. I do agree fully with your comment. Although I, personally, do not see a need for it in today’s world, I think that polygany has remained legal for a reason, and there may be need for it in the future… we don’t know, allahu alim.

But for women are involved in polygynous marriages, you have made some excellent points, and I hope inshaallah that women can benefit from them. jazakaAllah for sharing with us.

Thank you, iMuslim, for your comment. I believe this:

Islam came to reform and therefore there has always been this reference to ‘jahilia’ and ‘jahil’ who were the idol worshipers of Arabia. If one reads carefully, Islam reformed and improved Jewish and Christian laws. The Ten Commandments are in Islam as well and Inshallah I’ll post them soon. Women were bought and sold and Islam started a movement to treat them well. This is one reason that many women happily converted to Islam. Even when the rest of Arabia was drowning in Jahilia, the Prophet Muhammed (pbuh) was honest, trustworthy and monogamous. Monogamy was extremely rare in Arabia and he practiced it for 25 years. All Jews, Christians and non-believers had numerous wives. There were no divorce laws. Islam placed a quota on number of wives and also devised divorce laws.
Now when Jews and Christians say that their religions profess monogamy they are talking about the ‘current’ state of religion. Unfortunately Islam is stagnant. Muslims are too weak and too scared to progress and by progress I don’t mean ‘digress’ but keep on reforming humanity according to needs of current time. The West banned slavery and thereby concubinage. Why didn’t Muslims do that?

My mind does not accept that polygamy was meant to stay. When I say I’m not in favour of polygamy, I say that I don’t agree with it today. I’m not blasphemous to say that polygamy practiced in early Islam was wrong, astagfirAllah. But I’m against it now, in today’s time. If I was born in Arabia 1400 years ago, I wouldn’t have had any problems with it myself because it was the norm. Muslims complain that non-Muslims quote ayahs pout of context. However, we do the same. The ayah that is used to support polygamy is always taken out of context.

“If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of your choice, two, or three or four; but if you fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one ..... That will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice.� (Surah Al-Nisa’ 4:3)

The first part of the verse is an important pointer. Surah Nisa was revealed after the battle of Uhud when many Muslim men were martyred on a single day and their families were left without male protectors. That is when the verses were revealed instructing Muslim men to look after the orphans. However, if the men feared that they would not be able to ‘deal justly’ with the orphans then they could marry the orphans’ mothers ‘two, or three or four.’ The condition to this permission is that the husband must ‘deal justly’ with all his wives otherwise, it would be ‘injustice’. A pious man who ‘fear(s) that (he) shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans’ must also ‘fear that (he) shall not be able to deal justly’ with all his wives. The equation is straightforward.

Thanks again, ameen to your dua and Wasalaam

”Unfortunately Islam is stagnant. Muslims are too weak and too scared to progress and by progress I don’t mean ‘digress’ but keep on reforming humanity according to needs of current time. The West banned slavery and thereby concubinage. Why didn’t Muslims do that?”

I don’t know enough about Islamic jurisprudence to give a good answer to that question. Concubinage is hard for us to understand as we have not witnessed anything like it for a very long time, which is why it is so difficult to explain to non-Muslims in this day and age. We ourselves don’t get it, so how can we explain it??

However it was a complete norm back in the day for everyone - Jews, Christians, Muslims - all walks of life, so there was no need for anyone to justify why a man can sleep with his slave girl. It probably would have been as strange to question this principle back then, as it would be for us to today question why a man is permitted to sleep with his wife! It’s a given and maybe that is how it was in the past?? I don’t know, Allahu ‘alim.

About Muslims being too scared to “progress” this is a statement i agree with, but I do not find fault with it. I think we should be darned scared when contemplating the Laws of Allah. They are there for a reason. Allah revealed the Qur’an for every generation to seek guidance from, and so He fashioned it in such a way that it would always be relevant until the day that the last Muslim leaves this Earth.

Rasoolallah (sallalahu ‘alayhi wa salam) said his Ummah would make all the same mistakes that the Children of Israel did, to the extent that if one of them approached their own mother for intercourse, the Muslims would eventually do that too - a’authobillah! The only blessing this Ummah has above the previous generations is that Allah has taken it upon Himself to preserve the deen, the Qur’an and Sunnah, so those who wish to continue following the straight path will always have access to it. Allah is truly merciful!

So we have to be very careful in what way we “progress” as progression in our eyes might be beneficial, but we may be falling into the very same mind traps that Bani Israel did, a’authobillah.

So rather than us trying to abolish anything that Allah and His Messenger did not seek to abolish completely, which we agree would have been easy for them (shirk and alcohol proved no problem!) we should try and maintain justice within the framework they left behind, which i believe is completely possible. It is up to every individual to try their best and those who think they can abuse the system (like the guy in the story) face a grevious penalty in this life and the next.

That is why i think polygamy should be protected by the Law of the land. This way we can avoid making the halal (even if it is not always recommended) haram, and simultaneously maintain justice in society. I believe with all my heart that Allah loves justice so much, the moment our Muslim lands begin to practise it, the tables of our misfortune will be turned. I am totally against all this kuffar-bashing nonsense that some Muslims revel in. We are to blame for our problems, and we need to sort them out asap if we are to receive the Mercy and Help of Allah.

I’m sorry to write such a long response! I mean nothing personal in my words and hope i did not come across as angry - i am not (except for the kuffar-bashing bit, which i am angry about!). Just trying to express my PoV. I appreciate yours and i think a lot needs to be done in terms of reforming Muslim attitudes to Islam as we take this beautiful deen for granted at every level (i include myself in that statement).

I pray Allah guides us to the Truth, that which is most pleasing to Him, and allows us to die upon pure belief. Ameen.

Your Sister in Islam xxx

“I think we should be darned scared when contemplating the Laws of Allah.  “

I agree with iMuslim on this point. It is a fact that it was revealed after the battle for a purpose, but still, it is in the quran and made legal for all time, I do not think it is really up to us to make it forbidden now.

We, as women have a choice to not be a part of this type of marriage, but I don’t think we can say that it was not meant to stay… sorry suroor, have to disagree with you there, I just don’t think it’s our decision to make. There is an argument to be made that it is not necessary in most societies in today’s world, and I think that most men do in fact “transgress” as they are most likely not capable to treating the wives equally and justly, but there may be a time to come, that history could repeat itself… we just don’t know.

we just don’t know

Well, we kinda do…

Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 82, Number 800i:

Narrated Anas:

I heard the Prophet saying, “The Hour will not be established” or said: “From among the portents of the Hour is that the religious knowledge will be taken away (by the death of religious Scholars) and general ignorance (of religion) will appear; and the drinking of alcoholic drinks will be very common, and (open) illegal sexual intercourse will prevail, and men will decrease in number while women will increase so much so that, for fifty women there will only be one man to look after them.”

These women will probably consist of the man’s sisters, daughters, aunties etc, as well as wives.

My husband keeps saying that the Hour is near. Illegal sex is rampant and good scholars are few. When the male to female ratio increases it will be because of female infanticide (perhaps) which is exactly what Islam spoke up against. The point is when that happens and Islam is forgotten by humans, and illegal sex is rampant, who will keep multiple wives and will they be truly just even if they did? I feel sad. Sad because the Hour is near and some Muslim men are terribly misusing the laws.

Shazia, the verse I quoted is very important. It is in the Quran and clearly in the Quran that a man can only marry a widow and only a widow who has children who need to be looked after. “Mothers of orphans� is the condition. How many men marry widows? How many marry widows to look after their children? How many people even read that as an important condition? How many men have ever even read the complete ayah? Even when the need for polygamy arises when female to male ratio becomes misbalanced will men be just and kind and caring? Do you know that polygamy is the number one cause of divorce in Saudi Arabia where it is practiced most widely? One in four marriages in Saudi Arabia ends in divorce – the highest divorce rate in any Muslim country. There are a number of women who have left Islam and spite it because their husbands married again and broke their hearts. Everything in Islam is for a reason – for the betterment of society and general peace. But if men start misusing religion for their own selfish needs then there must be a stop to their behaviour.

I always got mad with women stuck in polygamous marriages until one night I walked into my children’s bedroom at night to check on them and I saw their many toys, the giant IKEA toy snake, their numerous books, and they snuggled into their little beds so peaceful. I thought if my husband married again, would it be so easy to walk out on all this? Will I rob my children of their peace and comfort? Is it not so difficult for women? What must they be going through? We are lucky to be a man’s only attention and so it is far easier for us to contemplate what should be done and how it should be done. It would be more difficult to live let alone think when a man brings home a new wife and turns your life into a living mayhem. Nothing is done the way it is and men will only learn when they are told straight to their faces that polygamy is a responsibility towards orphans not their birth right.

I have met many, many men in Arabia who claim that in Arabic the word used is ‘wa’ which also means ‘and’ so the verse actually means – “…marry women of your choice, two, AND three AND four…� totaling nine women. Beat that!

Oh and btw, I’m not an Islamic scholar and have only been researching on polygamy for a year. It is the opinion of some scholars (one is on a website I’ll look up and send you the link if you want, and the other is Maliha’s teacher) that polygamy was meant to be abolished just like slavery and concubinage which were meant to go when the need was not there any longer. Yes, when the need arises again (when many Muslim men will die) there will be use of polygamy and maybe even slavery and concubinage since the Quran clearly allows men to have sex with as many female slaves as he can afford. But to say that it is in the Quran so a man should be given access to female slaves would be giving the modern men more than they deserve.